Wow iv been sitting here in terrer not relizing so many minutes had past. Iv never really talked about this openly. My husband does not know that I did this horrible act of murder years before we were togather. My children do not know. But I need to heal. An now is the time. I'm 40 years old. I,ll go back to my childhood. I didn't have the best. My mom use to yell that she wished she had aborted me. Then when I was around 5 I was molested by a coworker of my dads. So I was a daddys girl untill I got victomized. So ya not the best, but not the worst. So pretty much I qas used up goods. Ok so i,ll jump forward a few years. I was 19 year old female dating a 39 year old married man. Weell we ended having a son togather. But we broke up. So I started looking for love again. I was around 21 or 22. I started dating a guy by the name of Paul. He was nice, but he also had a on and off relationship. So I started dating his cousin. I know sounds sickening. But I needed to feel loved. So then I come up p.g. Well it qas a toss up on two men, an cousin at that. Qhat a ugly person I was. When I found out, now remember that I already have a son that's around 14 months old. I was not the worst single mom, but I wasn't the best. So I call planned parenthood. I go in for a test, an yep its positive. I freaked out. The lady looked at me an calmly says, you get . AAbortion. My mind was miles away. So she left the room for a few min. Then she came back an had paper work for me. I told her I needed to think. I went to my parents hm an told them the news. My dad just sat at the end of the table an cryed. My mom on the other hand was yelling at me to get a abortion. Then I got ahold of my sons dad and told him, cus he had told me we,d always be friends So I ask him what he thinks I should do. He said whatever I wanted. But he wouldnt raise another mans baby. So. I went hm an cryed. I ended making an appoinment for the abortion. Then cancealed. I called another place here in pueblo. On the other end of the phone is my aunts voice to my surprise. I told her why I was calling her office. An she told me, Shawna I'm hear for you. I love you no matter what. Those were the first words of kindness that I had heard in awhile. I cryed, got off the phone. So my mom an sons dad kept on me, what are you gunna do? So ya sure I made another appt an followed threw with it. My friend, myself and my sons dad went to the clinic. I signed some papers, an off I went for the procedure. They wer doing a ultrasound. The sound came on an I could hear my babys heartbeat. I tryed setting up. Anthe nurse pushed me back down. I wanted to look so bad, cuz I new that id heard it, an now I wanted to see my baby. She said no again. Then I felt a warm feeling go threw my body. I qas saposed to be ttotally out. But I remember everything. I could hear them talkin like if it was just any normal day. I wws in agonizing pain, I could hear the sucking sound of my baby being broken up an sucked rt outta me. I just layed there an cryed. I recovered for about an hour. Then I got up an stumhled into the waiting room. I was still crying. A female came up to me an hugged me, and said you,ll get over it. I did this is my forth time. I was in shock. In shock over all of it. How could this wamon do that horrible thing. An tell me, like it was nothing. I left an cryed all the way home to pueblo fm co, springs. I healed fisicaly. But mentally, I was gone. My sons dad an I could not make it. He turned out to be vary abusive. So jump forward some years. I got togather now with my husband. He has been here for me threw thick an thin. We got togather when my son was 7.Who is now 20. We have a daughter togather, witch is now 3 years old. Iv lived in guilt for to many years. Iv had alot of heartache, and alot of tears. Iv tryed going to support grupes an so, but would shut down an walk away. Iv been in moments were iv looked into my husbands eyes an Iwant to say it so bad. But then that fear an shame comes in. Then I shut down again. This is it. I have to let this go. God has already forgiving me. Why cant I? I was here one night watching videos on youtube. I just had a total hystorectomy.So me being board, desides to watch about aabortion. An there I watch the video of Albeny Rose. I cryed, an cryed. Everything, every feeling came rushing in. I contacted her threw facebook. I watch her videos. I think to myself, what a feeling she has. She is free. No shame no guilt. Just being human, an talking from her heart. My life is not over. Sometimes iv prayed for it to be. Even up untill about a week ago. But I'm here. Only because God is not done with me. So girls an boys, wamen an men. ABORTION IS NOT THEE ANSWER. YOU WILL LIVE WITH IT FOREVER!!!
What do you think of this story?
Select one of the options below. Your feedback will help tell CNN producers what to do with this iReport. If you'd like, you can explain your choice in the comments below.
Be and editor! Choose an option below: