- Posted February 8, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
Pro-Choice to Pro-Life: My Story
Years ago I found myself with an unplanned pregnancy and had a secret abortion. My lifelong journey of discovery began that day, of learning the truths and tragedy of abortion, up close and all too personal. A journey that began with a 22 year-long secret held from even my closest family and friends. I later was rendered surgically sterile from medical complications after my abortion.
Deeply ashamed and frightened – all the while secretly grieving, too, I kept my dark secret about my past abortion for 22 years. I learned that what you do in secret and in lies, you must grieve in secret, too. Many years of living (now remarried) with my new husband and never telling him I'd had an abortion a long time ago when I was young. Looking at that beautiful daughter every single day of her life and never telling her I had aborted her long-ago older sister or brother. How would they react? What would they think of me if they knew? Not even my closest friend knew.
One day a few years ago, I was ready. I knew, most importantly, there was a husband and a daughter who I needed to give the respect and privacy to hear their feelings first of all. I sat down with both of them individually and shared my secret. They never blinked. They never judged. They just loved me the same as they did five minutes before. Then they both practically shoved me out the front door to share my story with others.
Within weeks, doors opened I would have never seen opened otherwise. I was asked to help speak to senators and state representatives at my state capitol, and to testify directly to a senate hearing at the capitol in support of the Woman’s Right to Know bill being legislated into law. I was terrified. Remember, this was my first time "out of the closet" after 22 years. I nearly backed away. A lovely friend quietly came to me and put a piece of paper in my hand. It said, "For if you remain silent at such a time as this... (Esther 4:14)". That was all I needed to hear. I testified to the senate, with quiet and dignity and strength I didn't even realize I possessed, and received applause. I had the honor of writing and narrating two radio PSAs for my state's long-frought Women's Right to Know bill and of standing alongside my governor as he signed it into state law at the state capitol.
The more I learned, the less I could support abortion and the pro-choice position. The very thing I had been endorsing to myself and everyone else was the very thing that was whispering in my ear that it was all an obscene lie to destroy women and men both. Dr. Drew Pinski says, "You're only as sick as your secrets". The longer that abortion remained a dark secret, the longer it owned me and the bigger it got. It took 22 years before I could let down my guard and admit my past abortion to a fellow human being. Twenty-two years of carrying a dark, nasty secret. What the prochoice abortion industry never tells females is that abortion forces you to begin carrying an unwielding suitcase of secrecy on your back. I did not find healing until I let that secret, that “suitcase”, go. I had actually allowed it to define me as a person; i.e. “I’m a good person – but I’m damaged goods”. I am now using the very lies and propaganda the pro-choice abortion industry told me, as tools to educate and change lives so that other people don’t have to live a life of shame and secrecy the way I wasted so much time and energy doing.
My abortion no longer owns me. I am, in no way, “damaged goods”.
Determined to learn about abortion issues from every angle - philosophical, legal, religious, moral, ethical, medical, scientific, psychological, I have been passionately committed for several years now to sharing the truth and hypocrisy about the pro-choice position, and encouraging both males and females of all ages that there is hope after abortion, and that abortion is not the "life-affirming" procedure so often the prochoice industry claims it is.
It is not my mission to "bash" other post-abortive females. In no position to judge, I implicitly understand that girls and women who have aborted are not "bad people". They, like I did, often feel frightened, desperate, and with no other options. Many deeply regret and question their abortions in a self-absorbed society that tells them not to. The very for-profit industry that pushes their abortion is the same industry that denies their suffering from it, and usually refuses to offer them help and support afterward.
I am a staunch supporter of education, a feminist, and support women's and girls' rights on globally-important issues ranging from equal pay, to female genital mutilation, access to contraception, elimination of sexual objectification in pornography and the media, child marriage, sex trafficking, education, sex-selective abortion and gendercide, and other cultural and societal issues that unfairly and disproportionately impact females of all ages globally. However, as a nurse I implicitly understand that a woman's right to "choice" should be upheld - but only as it pertains to her own body, not the wholly separate and distinct, biologically and clinically-substantiated body of a separate unborn human being. That separate human being was already guaranteed the unalienable right to life, as described in the Declaration of Independence. The objective unborn human being, like the iconic slave, has never changed and never will. Only society’s subjective, whim-like, self-interested legal opinion of it changes, and bizarrely continues to evolve. Having many intelligent friends and colleagues who are staunchly pro-choice, I have come to understand that even most of them do not "like" abortion and want to see fewer of them take place.
Today, I volunteer. Guess who volunteers right alongside me, talking with children about the humanity of the unborn? Guess who holds her head up proudly and walks with dignity right beside me in the March for Life? That's right. That beautiful daughter. Now I talk on forums, I write, I volunteer, I pray, I love, I laugh and cry with others, I listen, I debate, I mess up sometimes, I educate, all in the name of honoring the unborn child, and telling the truth about the lie of abortion.
There is nothing “pro-woman”, or life-affirming or loving, about abortion. I will have scars for a lifetime from abortion – but I refuse to be a victim of abortion any longer, silent or otherwise. I am a survivor of abortion, no longer silent.
It occurs to me that the prochoice abortion industry has invested more concerted effort in dividing and alienating a pregnant teenage girl from her parents (advocating and helping her have an abortion against her parents' knowledge / permission), than it has in positively stepping in and helping both the parents and their daughter with that pregnancy. At what is perhaps the most vulnerable, frightening time of her life that industry could be instrumental in helping both her and her family come together to positively support that pregnancy and her impending motherhood (the way the pro-life movement does, free and without obligation). It instead focuses on teaching that little girl how to lie to her family and divide herself off from them and their support and protection, by having an abortion.
At the time she needs her family the most, is when the abortion industry steps in and coaxes her away from that support – and then as soon as she has that abortion and pays for it, they abandon her to possible medical and psychological complications that can last a lifetime or could end her life. There is nothing remotely “pro-woman” about that. There is also nothing that genuinely supports a female’s “choices” by the pro-choice abortion industry when it works more diligently to help a female obtain an abortion, than it does to help a pregnant female who does not want an abortion and needs other options.
As I quietly, seriously ponder the whole, encompassing history of the entire prochoice abortion industry, and all that it entails, I realize something in my heart - Abortion is, truly, a slap across the face of every girl, every woman, everywhere.
Today I am literally living a miracle. I am healed, I am clean, I am at peace, I am confident, and I have a purpose for my life. And yes, there are days I still think of what I did those many years ago and it hurts. In some ways, the frontal reality of it can hurt, out of the blue, worse today than it did then. I’m walking proof of the lie of abortion – but I survived it and am telling my story