- Posted February 8, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
I remember leaving the apartment complex one day and noticing a church across the street. A thought came to mind that maybe someone there would help me. I could find adoptive parents, or get a better job in order to support a child. But then it hit me, I would be seen as a pariah at church. More sinner and less saint. After all nice girls don't give in. So a week later, I found myself in the trial for RU486.
I was in a small of a nondescript clinic having an ultrasound when I saw a flicker of light. Immediately I was mesmerized by the tiny heartbeat, I wanted this baby so much. I wanted to hold him or her and to be a better person because I was their mom. But what choice did I have than to abort? So I kept going and took the first series of RU486 pills. Two days later I went back for a second ultrasound and saw that although it was very diminished, my baby still had a heartbeat. I was crushed. They had promised that it wouldn't be there, that the medication would work quickly. No worries the tech said, the second series of pills would complete the abortion. With that she had me take the additional pills and then ushered me to the door. About an hour later the cramping started. Then I started to vomit. My boyfriend who said he'd support me though it all, stopped at Burger King to get himself a Whopper while I stayed in the car crying, cramping, and puking.
When we got to our apartment his mother called and invited us to "camp" on their property. Rick said we'd go, I was in shock and just went along. The vomiting finally stopped around dinner. Everyone was around the campfire and talking about the future when the bleeding began. I felt a gush, and ran for Rick's parent's fifth wheel bathroom. The cramping increased beyond belief. Rick's mom noticed and asked what was going on, she said I ought to go to the hospital, that this wasn't normal. Rick told her I was fine. All night I cramped and early the next morning while sitting on the toilet, a large clot came out. As I looked at it, my heart sank, somewhere inside was my baby. I thought about how sad it must be to be so unwanted and then disposed of in a toilet.
A month later I moved out of the apartment and two months after that Rick proposed to his other girlfriend. They're still married and have two daughters. I too am a mom, and life is great. I'm an oncology RN, and independent divorced woman. However, something has been missing since that day in August of 1995, a tiny, precious life. A few years back, I had 3 birds tattooed on my side, one for each of my living children and one for Ezra. He or she will always be a part of my life.
When asked by close friends who know about my abortion, if I would do it again. The answer (even though I think abortion is wrong) has always been yes. What choice did I have? What choice do millions of other women (and girls) have? Until society, and the church legitimately sees unwed mothers as more than whores, sluts, or skanks who can't keep their legs closed, then abortion is a disgusting necessity. Until there is another, better choice then abortion will continue.