- Posted February 8, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
Heartache, No More!
My boyfriend was not worried and he convinced me to continue being intimate with him unprotected. Less than a year later, I became pregnant again. I went through the same procedure. After this one, I started taking birth control pills. I tried to forget about this one also.
Three years later when at 19, I was in another serious relationship and found myself pregnant a third time. My new boyfriend did not want to get married and asked me to have an abortion. I hung my head in rejection and said, "Ok." I felt like no one would ever really love me. I went with him to a local clinic to have it done. Immediately afterwards, I felt very sick, wounded, rejected, and miserable. I left the next day for an out-of-state college. I hoped to never see that boyfriend again. I stuffed my anger and hatred for him. I told no one, and buried my shame and guilt deep within my heart.
Later when I came home for Christmas vacation, I spent time with him. This resulted in my fourth unplanned pregnancy. I knew what to do now! I planned on having another abortion. This time, however, I did something different. I told my best friend roommate. She convinced me not to have the abortion. She extended help and love to me.
Even though my boyfriend did not accept me, I went on to give birth to a baby boy. I gave my son to a family through adoption. This was the most amazing and painful experience of my life. When I gave him life, I felt like I was being given my life back. I had tremendous joy in knowing and experiencing birth. My heart ached, however, because I went home from the hospital empty handed. After crying and releasing my pain, I entrusted my child to this wonderful family and got on with my life.
Two years later, I married a wonderful man. I never told him about my past abortions. He knew of my pregancy and adoption, however. We went on to have two children.
During those years, I struggled with guilt, shame, regret, fear, depression, and anger. I was so afraid of anyone finding about my past abortions. I couldn't even say the word or join in any discussions about it with friends. I felt that my children were going to die because of my past choices. I thought that if any one ever found out, they would hate and reject me. I also thought that my husband would not be able to respect or love me any longer.
Then one day I could bear the secret no longer. After holding this painful experience in my heart for over 25 years, I finally broke down and told my husband. I expected him to want a divorce from me. Instead, however, I received from him unconditional love and help.
I sought a mature friend who would later help me through biblical counsel come to terms with my past and face a loving and forgiving God. I was so afraid to ever talk to or think about God in relationship to my abortions. My friend helped me to see the truth about my abortions as my babies that had died. I cried for the first time and broke the chains that had so encased my heart. I prayed to a loving God who forgave me because of His dear Son, Jesus. I learned from the Bible that Jesus had died for all my sins, even my sins of abortion.
This confession cleansed my heart and removed all my heartache! Being able to talk about it with other women who also had experienced an abortion was so helpful. Confession is truly good for the soul. I also dealt with life in the womb, my anger, the resentment and bitterness I had been carrying around, and the fear of others knowing. The final issue I tackled was learning to believe that my babies were in heaven with a loving God. I even named all three of them. This helps me remember them no longer as an abortion, but as children who have names. This was so important to my broken heart.
The healing of my broken heart was so powerful, that I have spent the last decade helping other women. I want them to have the healing and freedom that I have experienced. My heart no longer feels guilty, shame or regret. It feel joy instead. When I remember what I have done in my past, I focus on the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. I remember that He died on the cross for my sins, even my sins of abortion.
I had lived most of my life in pain, fear, shame, and anger. Now I am free from those harmful emotions. I have faced the truth about life in the womb. I have mourned for thie loss of each of my children. I have expressed the unreosolved anger. I have released my former boyfriends and others who were involved in my abortions. They could never pay me back nor could they ever understand my personal loss. I asked others who I hurt to forgive me. I have accepted the forgiveness that God offers through Jesus. And finally, I have named my children. I look forward to seeing them in heaven someday.
When my husband and I celebrated our 20th anniversary, I was given another child through an unplanned pregnancy when I was 43. This was a surprise, but I did not end it. I experienced good feelings during this pregancy. Before with my other two children, I felt embarassed to be pregnant. You see, the abortions robbed me of the joy of being pregnant. Because of the healing I had experienced, I was able to enjoy this pregnancy. My son is now 10 and I enjoy him everyday. My husband and I celebrate 32 years together this year. I will be forever grateful to him for loving and accepting me with all my faults and past regrets.
I have also done something I never thought I'd do. I have written a small book to help other women through their heartache. It has been published and is available on amazon. com. In it I share more of my story on the journey to help and healing. I have also spoken to small groups of women in southern California.
I am no longer afraid of being rejected when people find out what I have done in my past. The roof did not cave in, nor was I thrown out of my circles of friendship. I live in confidence, joy, and acceptance. I have also sought training and have become a certified counselor. I wanted to be equipped to help women of any heartache, not just heartche from a past abortion.
I am thankful that having experienced this heartache, I can relate to so many other women. My life is not perfect. I am a woman on a journey. I do have many people in my life to love and accept me as I continue to change. My life is dedicated to helping other women experience healing from their past heartache.
Thank you for allowing me to share how abortion has affected me and my family. I am a mother of 7 children. I am thankful for each of them, although I only have known three.
I also want you to know that because of the laws protecting a woman's privacy, my parents and brothers and sister never knew about my abortions. I left school to have them done at 15 and 16. If I had had any physical problems, they would not have ever known. I was too afraid to talk to them about it. Two years ago, I finally told them all about it. We cried and they forgave me for hiding it from them.
Being able to talk about it has brought healing to all my former relationships. I am no longer afraid to talk, and I will share my story with anyone who will listen. Thank you for giving me this opportunity.