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The Death of My Baby
I'm 41 years old and have two daughters, 3 and 6. My first child would likely be turning 26 in March 2013 if not for abortion. I was 15 years old and 16 weeks pregnant when the 16 year old boy who told me he loved me (something I craved all my life) drove me to a health center in a city an hour away to see about fixing our situation. Word made it back to his mother, who promptly took me to one closer to home.
A social worker told me that if I did it I could have guilt and wanted to know if this is what I wanted to do. With his mother in the room and the the whole day of her telling me this had to be done, added to the previous several days of the same from my boyfriend, I timidly indicated yes. I was never told anything about the baby's development and, in a world before the internet explosion and my complete ignorance about pregnancy and babies, I had absolutely no clue.
I first knew there was an actual developed baby inside of me in the hospital when I saw two little inch and a half long legs with two feet and ten toes hanging out of me over the toilet. I was horrified, but you'd never know it by the total numbness and vacant look on my face for a long time afterwards.
So these painful contractions and labor were producing a dead baby, which I now know was killed in my womb by burning saline injected by the Ob/Gyn (who made at least $1500 off the whole thing). I wish he had made enough to spend 2 minutes to explain who was inside of me and what was about to happen....but my own parents and my boyfriend's parents and the doctor and the nurses knew best, didn't they? Now that I know what they knew, I still don't know why was I the only one who was left in the dark. It was my baby, my life, my trauma, my guilt to bear. But it wasn't my body and my choice as many argue. It was my baby who suffered and was given no choice.
I love you sweet baby and I'll hold you forever when I get to heaven someday. I can't wait for Jesus to wipe away every tear and heal my deep brokenness. I'm so glad you're okay now.
PLEASE tell my story. It's much more common than many think.
A social worker told me that if I did it I could have guilt and wanted to know if this is what I wanted to do. With his mother in the room and the the whole day of her telling me this had to be done, added to the previous several days of the same from my boyfriend, I timidly indicated yes. I was never told anything about the baby's development and, in a world before the internet explosion and my complete ignorance about pregnancy and babies, I had absolutely no clue.
I first knew there was an actual developed baby inside of me in the hospital when I saw two little inch and a half long legs with two feet and ten toes hanging out of me over the toilet. I was horrified, but you'd never know it by the total numbness and vacant look on my face for a long time afterwards.
So these painful contractions and labor were producing a dead baby, which I now know was killed in my womb by burning saline injected by the Ob/Gyn (who made at least $1500 off the whole thing). I wish he had made enough to spend 2 minutes to explain who was inside of me and what was about to happen....but my own parents and my boyfriend's parents and the doctor and the nurses knew best, didn't they? Now that I know what they knew, I still don't know why was I the only one who was left in the dark. It was my baby, my life, my trauma, my guilt to bear. But it wasn't my body and my choice as many argue. It was my baby who suffered and was given no choice.
I love you sweet baby and I'll hold you forever when I get to heaven someday. I can't wait for Jesus to wipe away every tear and heal my deep brokenness. I'm so glad you're okay now.
PLEASE tell my story. It's much more common than many think.
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