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Hope
I don't think I have written this before. I don't think I have had the courage to go back to that day really. I found out I was pregnant late February from my long time boyfriend. My world stopped that day. I thought it couldn't get any worse until he told me what he wanted to do. And the worst part was I didn't stop the decision or put my foot down. We decided to end our innocent baby's life. A decision I will regret for the rest of my life.
The next day we sent up a doctors appointment with Planned Parenthood. We sat in the cold office with other women constantly wondering if they too were ending a life.
They read over the paperwork like it was a daily occurrence. Just a common procedure. I left with a brown bag stapled shut with pills inside. I went home and did everything I was supposed to. I will never forget the physical and emotional pain of that night. No one prepared me for the amount of pain and blood that was too come. The feeling of passing your own child is unforgettable. Why was this never talked about in our "counseling session?" Why did I never realize that my child's life just ended with simple pills from a lunch bag?
The months after I tried to fill my hole with alcohol. I lost a part of me that I didn't know how to get back. I truly hated myself. The pain I was dealing with I felt was deserved. Countless times while driving I had to pull over because of fear I was going to run off the road. I wanted to run off the road. To this day I believe my baby is the voice that stopped me.
I had so much guilt, depression, self-loathing and fear of people finding out my secret. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I finally decided to go on a retreat with other post-abortive women. The Rachel's Hope organization saved my life. We are not alone. And we do not need to keep hiding. My relationship with myself is constantly in work but I know I will be fine. And more importantly my relationship with God is stronger. I am learning that He has a plan for us all and my child is with Him. I fully believe that there is hope for all the women and men that go through this pain. We are not alone and we have the greatest supporters out there: each other and our innocent babies.
My only wish is that other men and women going through this decision process educate themselves. Abortion is not an "easy fix." It needs serious thought and actual counseling for those who do make this decision. For those who are still in pain and suffering, I pray you find comfort in the idea that there is hope for you, me and us.
The next day we sent up a doctors appointment with Planned Parenthood. We sat in the cold office with other women constantly wondering if they too were ending a life.
They read over the paperwork like it was a daily occurrence. Just a common procedure. I left with a brown bag stapled shut with pills inside. I went home and did everything I was supposed to. I will never forget the physical and emotional pain of that night. No one prepared me for the amount of pain and blood that was too come. The feeling of passing your own child is unforgettable. Why was this never talked about in our "counseling session?" Why did I never realize that my child's life just ended with simple pills from a lunch bag?
The months after I tried to fill my hole with alcohol. I lost a part of me that I didn't know how to get back. I truly hated myself. The pain I was dealing with I felt was deserved. Countless times while driving I had to pull over because of fear I was going to run off the road. I wanted to run off the road. To this day I believe my baby is the voice that stopped me.
I had so much guilt, depression, self-loathing and fear of people finding out my secret. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I finally decided to go on a retreat with other post-abortive women. The Rachel's Hope organization saved my life. We are not alone. And we do not need to keep hiding. My relationship with myself is constantly in work but I know I will be fine. And more importantly my relationship with God is stronger. I am learning that He has a plan for us all and my child is with Him. I fully believe that there is hope for all the women and men that go through this pain. We are not alone and we have the greatest supporters out there: each other and our innocent babies.
My only wish is that other men and women going through this decision process educate themselves. Abortion is not an "easy fix." It needs serious thought and actual counseling for those who do make this decision. For those who are still in pain and suffering, I pray you find comfort in the idea that there is hope for you, me and us.
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