I was 19 years old. I did not have healthy role models for relationships when growing up. Love and sex was very confusing. I just knew I had to have my relationship, and I had to have someone who would never leave me. I could not risk abandonment. I was with my first love for 18 months. It was a needy unhealthy love for me. I lived with my boyfriend and his mother. We actually planned the pregnancy. He asked me if I wanted to have a baby, and I definitely wanted a baby very bad. I wanted a baby for the wrong reasons. I wanted to love the baby and be needed. I stopped taking the pill as he wanted me to. It turns out it was all just a plot for him to be able to go toss me to the side and fool around until I had the baby and then return to me. As soon as I was pregnant, the next month, he dumped me. It was traumatic to me as I had a strong feeling I could not be left on my own. I had my dad, but I needed a relationship. I could not be without a special someone in my life. When I found I would be alone, I had an abortion scheduled without giving it any thought except that I had to go straight ahead and do it without even thinking about it. I put myself and my neediness over my baby growing inside me. I had no counseling before, and I could not see or feel the baby yet. All I felt was pain, suffering and nausea. I went to the doctor at the hospital, and they skipped my counseling appointment and took me right in for the abortion. In the room, I was still crying over the loss of my boyfriend. At the time it was just a procedure to me that I did not even think about what I was actually doing. Almost like a gynological appt. I had no feelings during or after the abortion. I was just selfish and cold. I had to go find the love of my life. It was like a tunnel vision. That was in 1984. I did not feel sad or depressed at the time. I did through the years feel guilty because I knew it was wrong, and I confessed to the priest, but that was just like a formality because I did not want to feel like I was a bad person. I already felt that enough as it was. I went on to be with 9 different men in the next year. I was looking for someone who would stay with me. That's all I wanted. A family and a husband. I got married to a person who I already knew was a full blown alcoholic and proceeded to have 3 children and lived in chaos. I went to Alanon for 10 years and then separated from my husband. That also was traumatic. I started going to AA and tried to use the meetings to help me stay away from the alcoholic as they used the meetings to stay away from alcohol. It was in those meetings I decided to attend Project Rachel. That was a beautiful process. I came to have real feelings there about my baby. I actually recalled how much I wanted this baby and that he actually was a baby and not just a tissue or a baby that was not quite made yet. I was experiencing feelings and healing from the abortion. I know now I stopped the life of my baby, and I am truly sorry for that fact now. Not just because it is the wrong thing to do, but because he was a life, a baby who did not even have a chance at life. I forgive myself and can only pray that if I speak up, maybe just one person will take the time and let themselves actually think about what is actually happening when they terminate a pregnancy. It is killing a baby. It is killing a part of yourself and not only a part of yourself but a part of the whole world, because deep down we are all one. We are killing ourselves. I am still messed up when it comes to relationships and sex. Something is wrong and I don't know what, so I choose to live on my own without a significant other in my life. I have God and turn it all over to Him, because He will be there always with unconditional love. He can fill my void or whatever is wrong, and I can just go with the flow and not put myself in bad situations. With my issues, I had no business getting pregnant in the first place. It was very difficult raising my children, but I love them all and hope and pray the best for them all the time. I also pray for my baby in heaven who I never gave a chance to live on this earth. I feel now that just as I made a choice to get pregnant in 1984, everyone else that gets pregnant already made the choice also by choosing to have sex. It's their body, and they choose to have sex with it and everyone knows going into sexual activity that that is how babies are made. I don't want to condemn anyone because we are all human. I just want to save a baby and a to be mother from suffering. I don't want to judge obviously. I want to be able to save at least just one person from doing what I did. I pray for everyone and every baby in the womb that they may have the best help, life, happiness and opportunities to be able to be one with the world and God.
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