I was raised with Christian morals and values’, always knowing abortion was wrong and would never be a choice for me, until I found myself unmarried and pregnant at the age of 19. I was in a relationship and living with a man 16 years my senior. I left home, choosing him and leaving my family behind because I knew they did not accept my decision. Ultimately, I was starting over I felt...a new life the way I wanted and I thought I was exactly where I wanted to be.

That was until February of 1996 when I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend at the time told me it was not time for a baby and we just could not and would not have it. With those words, fear set in quickly. I was living in an unfamiliar city, completely estranged from my family and being controlled by a man who I soon learned was an alcoholic/drug addict. I felt alone and thought if I did not follow through with what he wanted, I would lose all that I thought I had at the time. I spent weeks hanging on his every word hoping he would change his mind, but he never did. Once I knew what I had to do, I was like a robot. I don’t remember feeling anything as I called the numbers in the phone book asking questions and making appointments. I had already made myself numb somehow…I knew if I was going to get through this, it was what I had to do. I never looked back, never argued, never stood up for what I wanted or knew was right, I just went through the motions up until the day I had an abortion in April of 1996. At the clinic, I was never told of the affects it would have on me emotionally, spiritually or physically. I was never given the opportunity to see an ultrasound or hear his heartbeat. What I was told was that I was nearly 18 wks along and I needed to go ahead and "do this" before it was too late. So, after pawning a few pieces of jewelry just to gather the money, I thought for sure now there was no turning back. I don't remember much of being at the clinic that day, but what I do is sounds and images that will forever be burned into my mind. It was routine, I was just another name on a chart, one more person to tell, "It will all be over soon and you will be fine to go on with your life!" One more girl lying on a cot in a room lined with others doing the same while they offered me cookies and juice…I had just had my child ripped from my womb and they were offering me cookies and juice! I don’t know how long I was in recovery before I was sent on my way to get on with my life, as if nothing had happened and this is also what my boyfriend thought I should do. After 3 days of missing work because of physical pain and depression that had already set in, his exact words to me were "You really need to get over it already!" On the outside that is exactly what I did, going into instant denial and pushing it so far down I thought it was just a nightmare, not reality. Yet inside I would never be the same because along with my baby, a part of me died that day and life as I knew it would never be the same.

The next year, I married that man who was already abusive and the abuse grew even worse. A year later, my oldest daughter was born premature at 23 weeks weighing 1lb 2oz and given less than a 10% change of surviving. Her premature birth was the result of my incompetent cervix caused from my abortion. Nobody knew, I lied on the medical forms, to the doctors and to my friends/family...nobody knew what I had done. I spent every day with her for 4 months in the hospital, but after she came home I had bonding issues that I did not understand. I saw her as a reminder of my punishment...more guilt, more shame, what had I done?!

I was on complete bed rest with my second child, having a cervical cerclage at 13 wks as to not repeat a premature birth. During this pregnancy it was suggested that I not have any more children, as my cervix probably would not hold up for it. My second daughter was born at term and healthy. I bonded with her differently than my first, again more guilt, more questions, more not understanding how I could be such a horrible mother. The tears, crying myself to sleep...they continued and I felt I could never be redeemed. Not knowing at the time all of these were affects from my decision to abort, a decision based on ignorance that I thought was the answer at the time.

For 12 years after my abortion, I felt so unworthy. I continued to accept emotional and eventually physical abuse from my husband. Living in constant fear because of his control and the life he lived with drugs and alcohol. I was self-destructive, gained over 100 lbs, and felt that I deserved this life. I denied and actually believed that I had never had an abortion. Yet had night terrors, anxiety and the fear of someone finding out my secret was paralyzing.

11 years of tumultuous marriage ended in divorced leaving me to deal with the issues of my past. During the search to find myself and heal from my abusive marriage, I made physical changes and restored my relationship with God finding peace in a lot of ways, yet there was still something missing. I still cringed at the "A" word and felt like I had committed the only unforgiveable sin, I still carried my dark secret. I taught women’s bible studies and was the coordinator for our single moms group at church, but had resigned to the fact that I would live with the guilt and shame & that my relationship with God would never be as close as I truly desired. I felt that any time 'that word' was mentioned everyone in the room knew what I had done. The thought of any other person knowing what I had done terrified me to the core. After all, in some ways I was still that little girl looking for acceptance. So, the last thing I could dream of doing was telling people about something that would turn them away from me, make them judge me and not accept me. I feared losing my friends, my family and never finding anyone that could accept my past if they knew.

Until, God led me to someone that I could trust, someone that had been there. My new friend would help lead me on my healing journey through an abortion recovery Bible study. During the study the Lord gave me my son’s name, Isaiah Nathaniel. Now I had a name to honor when thinking of my son. Toward the end of the study, I accepted God's forgiveness once and for all and realized that the blood He shed on the cross covered ALL sins including my abortion; finally I was truly set free.

God has called me to help others find healing through my story and I have served in abortion recovery ministry since 2008. I am also blessed to be the founder of a ministry called The Heart Knows, which is personalized hand-stamped jewelry to honor life and babies lost to abortion. My passion to reach those hurting from a past abortion grows deeper each day. I will continue to speak for the unborn, honoring my son and the millions of others who will never have a voice.

Misty Black

www.theheartknowscreations.com