- Posted February 9, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
I think of that now and think.. 'as opposed to.. WHAT?! .. a violent hateful freak?!!'
Anyway, so we went to the clinic the day of. It was a sunny Wed at 5pm, there were no protesters outside, and not even anyone silently praying. I think if there was someone outside, silently praying, like with a big picture of the Blessed Mother Mary, it would've changed my mind. But there was noone there praying. As for the clinic, it was 'clean' and the doctor was 'nice' - seriously. But it didn't matter. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, and cried through the whole thing, while Mike tried to hold my hand as I desperately was trying to reach for his hand, and he whispered in my ear over and over.. 'I love you, I love you...'.
Really? Is this where a guy brings a woman he cares about, and lets this be done to her?
I was NEVER the same. I went from being a leader, outgoing, responsible, caring, committed, involved, to apathetic, depressed, withdrawn, cowardly, totally lame at work, shuddering, scared-to-death MESS. I was a trainwreck. I would be driving home from work on the Cross County Parkway, and have visions of wanting to turn the wheel and slam into the freeway wall. Who does that?!?! I was never like that ever!!
I was zero fun anymore. My family and friends didn't know what the heck happened to me, bc I told noone about the pregnancy!!! I was too scared. So I was a trainwreck, and all alone. I stopped eating.. started partying more, going clubbing, lots of hangovers and dry heaving. The relationship with Mike ended within 2 months. I'll never forget him saying to me 'I'm not used to you being so bummin'...' bc I was just so sad all the time. I was a dead woman inside. Just like my child.
It's 23 years later and it still hurts. I've been to counseling, and been on Christian retreats, which have helped alot. But I'm still scared to feel all the grief. I just want to be healed of this pain. I'm tired of hiding. But really I see that only God can do this.. I will pray about it all, during the 40 days of Lent, which starts Wed Feb 13.