- Posted February 10, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
I Still Love You
When I was fourteen I was raped and I told someone about it. They said to me “You should not have let that happen, now you are a whore”, so at fourteen that is what I believed about myself even though it wasn’t true. I didn’t want it to be true either. Being the ninth of eleven kids in an Irish catholic family it wasn’t something I dreamed of being when I was young. So I developed what I call a false sense of morality that says it’s okay to have sex as long as you’re in a “relationship”.
So I got a boyfriend and by the time I was sixteen we were pregnant. He pressured me to have an abortion. I was sick, confused, scared and saw it as a problem that needed to be solved.
He took me to an abortion clinic. When we got there I was shaking. I remember a lady coming into the waiting room and taking me into another room. She said to me “here take this drug it will calm you down”, it was valium. Then she said, “don’t worry about it honey it’s not a baby it’s just a clump of cells”. Then she took me into another room where I remember paper sheets and a paper gown and then the abortionist came in and he put on a rubber glove and did something, I was sexually violated. I remember there where thin walls in this clinic and when he got done he walked out the door and I heard it slam and the glove snap off his hand and him laugh out loud saying “ that’s the way I like to get them”. After that I went completely numb, except I could feel the tears rolling down the side of my face soaking the paper sheet I was lying on. As the sheet continued to fill with my tears, he came back in and did the abortion, the “nurse” held my hand as she could clearly see I was distraught, but offered no help.
I‘ll never forget going back to school after that. I was standing in the hallway and this guy comes up to me and he looked me in the eyes and he said, “Eileen what’s wrong?”, I quickly answered “Nothing, Why?”. Immediately this denial had come over me. He said, “I don’t know, you look different”. I Was Different!
This was the beginning of the downward spiral in my life where I began to drink and use drugs and to keep myself numb. After that, the downward spiral began as I started to drink, use drugs, become sexually promiscuous and keep myself numb. I decided I was a piece of shit and my life did not matter. I went on to have two more abortions by the time I was twenty. My abortions did not solve my so called problems, they just created other ones!
If I were to describe my soul the way it must have looked to God at that time in my life I would have to say it was “Total Moral Decay” much like the culture I allowed myself to be sucked into.
The abortions affected me on many different levels and I lived my life denying that anything was wrong even though a day never passed that I did not think about the abortions or regret them. Another way was that I was afraid of Jesus Christ and thought He could never forgive me. I also struggled with intimacy and having close relationships with others, I thought no one would ever love me if they knew the truth. I certainly hated myself for what I had done.
Finally, my mother was killed by a drunk driver and I turned to God. Through the prayers of Venerable Solanus Casey, and a holy Franciscan Sister who was healed through his intercession, I embraced my children, gave them names, Autumn, Kenneth and Daniel. I asked their forgiveness and grieved their loss. Jesus spoke to me during this time saying I Still Love You!
I still grieve the loss of grandchildren that should be here now and I have contacted the father of my children who has expressed his regrets as well. It never goes away, abortion is forever. I wish this wasn’t my story and feel called to share it because of the healing I have received. I hope that by sharing my story others will come to healing and that is why I am Silent No More!