- Posted February 11, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
From Darkness into Light
My name is Victoria and over 30 yrs ago I had 3 abortions. My first 2 were done between 6-8 weeks, my last abortion was done at 4 months. I had my abortions because the men in my life didn't want children and coerced me into having my abortions. All 3 of my abortions were done at various planned parenthood facilities.
My last boyfriend dropped me off at the local planned parenthood. I went in alone, petrified, no support. As I entered the abortion mill, I gave my name at the front desk and waited for my name to be called. When my name was called, I was led into a back room behind closed doors, all the while the staff kept telling me that "it's okay honey, it's the best thing you can do for yourself, the dr has done lots of these procedures, you won't feel a thing and besides IT'S ONLY A BLOB OF TISSUE." As I was being led to the room to change into a hospital gown I received no words of comfort! After changing, I was led into the procedure room and it was so cold, un-welcoming, stainless steel, brightly lit, not a happy place. I laid down on the cold steel table and the nurse started to give me pain medicine. The Dr came in and said "don't worry, your'e in good hands, I've done lots of these procedures". I saw in the corner a round canister with a clear long thick tube and attached at the end was a sharp steel instrument. Then I heard the noise, the vacuum. The Dr took that tube with the sharp object attached and shoved it up inside of me with such brutal force, it literally took my breath away! You see, the pain medicine never worked so I felt everything! I couldn't breathe, I squeezed the nurse's hand and told her how excruciating the pain was (it was off the charts), crying and begging them to please help me! The Dr continued shoving that instrument up inside me, each time worse then the next. Then I heard the sucking of my baby being literally torn apart from inside of me in pieces. My body was shaking, the pain was so painful and the more I cried, the more I asked for help, my pleas were ignored. No one listened, no one helped me, not one person did anything, they didn't care! As my baby was being tormented, ripping her little arms, legs and body apart, I was screaming on the inside and my body was shaking but then it was over, the sucking stopped. My God, what did I just do? I tortured my baby, I caused her pain, I chose to abort her, I am a monster! What did you do with my baby? I will never know that, but what I live with is the fact that I made that choice, I decided to end their lives. I was supposed to protect my children, isn't that what a mother does? How did I protect my children?
Immediately after my abortion I had this overwhelming sadness, emptiness, guilt, shame. Babies feel pain in as little as 12 weeks old, my child was 4 months old! I can't even imagine what torture, pain I caused her, it goes beyond my comprehension. I killed my children, I caused her such pain. What I had done wasn't natural, sucking a child out of your womb through a tube into pieces isn't natural!
My life turned to sex, drugs alcohol. I would do just about anything to make these feelings go away. The feelings of shame, guilt, nightmares, No matter what I tried or how much I tried, I would wake up feeling the same way, nothing changed.
In 1995 I met my husband, we were married in 1999 and I became a Catholic. (I had no religion growing up). In Oct 2004 I went to a Catholic Convention, titled "By His Strips You Will Be Healed". It was there I had a full life confession with a wonderful priest. Not only did I receive absolution, but I was told by my confessor that Jesus loves you, He forgives you, and if I was the last person on this earth, Jesus would have died just for me. I didn't know that someone loved me that much, it was awesome! Wow! It was like a thousand pounds were lifted off my shoulders. Amazing! My confessor told me I needed deeper healing and should attend a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat.
In March 2005 I attended a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat. It was there that I was able to forgive myself, it was there that I received so much love, support and encouragement. It was there that I got into a deeper life of faith and found out how much Jesus does love me and that He showered me with His mercy, love, forgiveness and grace. At our retreat we spiritually baptized our children and buried them. Because of this retreat I can now tell my story. Each one of my children received a "certificate of life" which I thought was so beautiful. It acknowledged for me that they did have life, no matter how small, it was still life.
I had aborted 3 children, 2 sons and 1 daughter. Their names are Matthew, Thomas and Katherine. God has blessed me with 1 living daughter who gave me 3 grandchildren, yes 2 grandsons and 1 granddaughter. God is good, He is merciful, and I am proof of that.
I made a promise to Jesus and told Him that I would speak the truth and tell my story. Doors have opened up for me and I am so grateful because I have been blessed with courage, strength, love, mercy, because without that I would never be able to do it alone. "All things are possible with God". I now speak to high schools, (parochial, public), college students, youth groups and churches. I tell them that God took this wretched woman whose soul was scarlet red and forgave me and now my soul is white as snow, and that if that can happen to me, it can happen to you. I speak the truth about what planned parenthood did. They did not protect me, help me, encourage me, comfort me. They lied to me throughout the entire process. The truth must be told about planned parenthood does. They have killed over 55 million babies, that's an entire generation. How can we continue to allow this to happen? We treat our animals better than our babies in the womb. We rescue endangered specises, we have protection for these animals, why won't we protect our children? Is not the life of a human being worth saving? No child is a mistake, and I know now what abortions do and how it affects us years later. I am 57 yrs old and had my abortions done over 30 years ago, that's half my life to be living with this anguish, guilt, shame. Now I am no longer in darkness, but have brought into a great light. My children now have a voice because I choose to be Silent No More!