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I would take it all back!
I was 18 years old.....and already had a little one about to turn 2. I had a summer fling with a guy my boss had introduced me to. We decided we just didn't want to get serious and went our separate ways. A couple of months later I had all the classic signs. I took a test,actually multiple tests, and they were all positive. When I told him he was kind and offered to do whatever I thought was best. How could I have ANOTHER baby? How could I tell my parents I had done this again. I was determined not to let this happen. My boss overheard me making the "appointment" at the clinic. She talked to me, prayed for me, and even asked me to see a counselor from her church. I did, but my mind was made up. He drove that morning. The nurses did an ultrasound, but they don't show you the images. She confirmed what I already knew, about 8 weeks along. They put you in a room, give you and IV, and put the meds in to make you fall asleep. I will never forget crying and saying NO NO NO as I drifted off. When I awoke, the life was gone. I was miserable. What had I done? For months, every time I saw a baby on tv or elsewhere, I was moved to tears. Slowly, things got better. Occasionally I would get down and sad when thoughts crossed my mind, but I was able to move on. For some reason, in my early thirties, the thoughts and memories of what I had done began to creep up. Then, out of the blue, and while I was working, there he was. We said the usual hello's and how are you's and went on about our business. Ironically, it was my 33rd birthday. I cried the entire day. Never had I regretted my decision from years earlier more. My sweet baby would be a teenager now. Again, I was able to feel less sadness as the days passed. But would you believe, about 2 weeks later, I saw him again. This time it was casually in a grocery store on a weekend afternoon. We ended up talking all about the choice we had made. I told him how sorry I was for taking something from him that was not mine to take. He said he had cared for me back then, and would have married me to change my mind. I told him that in my heart, she was a girl. He agreed. Knowing how he felt only made my choice back then that much more painful of a memory. All of the what if's came pouring in. All I have of her is a small tattoo of angel wings on my wrist. Not a day goes by that I would not take it all back. Maybe I would not have chosen to keep and raise her myself, but millions of caring couples would give their lived to have a baby.
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