- Posted February 12, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
Life, Death, and Life Again
Is feeling inside, my baby so small
Tucked away in the depths my womb
I held you close as I felt you bloom
My body changed quite rapidly
Inside, your heart was starting to beat
In the cold of the night as I would lay
You warmed my hands as I held you to stay
With you peacefully growing inside of me
I never felt so alive, as if I had been set free
You brought to me, so much joy within
I could hardly believe, you had once not been
I soon made plans, all for you
They included me and daddy too
Though things started out not quite right
Happily ever after was near in sight
Daddy did not agree, to my dismay
All of the dreams I had dreamt flew away
And with those dreams, I soon understood
You were the piece, daddy thought was no good
I cried and I wept as my doom became real
You, the child I loved, death would soon steal
He paid for two pills that I would have to swallow
It would tear you apart and leave me hollow
As soon as they went down, the end became near
Losing this tiny life was my biggest fear
The sun started to set and noon became night
As I became numb, you were fighting for life
The minutes went by like hours, at first
With each second, a breath of life you did thirst
With no warning at all, the bleeding did start
And that was the end of the pulse in your heart
Into the Father's arms I knew you would go
But now it was my turn to fight for the life of my own
I was losing too much and all at once
Everything went dim as I was surrounded in silence
As I came to, the noise became loud
I wasn't alone anymore in this frantic crowd
I was enclosed in the care of doctors and nurses
And yet all I could see were their eyes filled with curses
No matter what they thought or what they assumed
They kept me alive and did their job presumed
Its a nightmare I wish upon no woman, no child
For the pain in my heart has been forever filed"
Sometime after Halloween of 2007, Jason and I found out that we were going to have a baby. Our baby was conceived on October 22,2007. I was scared. I didn't know what we would do. I remember being so cold and worried one night. I was shivering from the temperature and my anxiety. I touched the palm of my hands to my abdomen... and immediately felt a warmth that I have never felt before. It was a new miracle to me... there was a tiny life growing inside of me. I felt my baby and my baby felt me. Together, there was warmth. I just laid on my bed, holding my baby, the only way I could - the only way I knew how. It's everything I have looked forward to. Thanksgiving came and I told God, and only God, that I was thankful for my baby. I had a great Thanksgiving, excited about this new life.
Jason and I argued that night. And the following morning, we were headed to the abortion clinic. I felt sick the whole way there. The "doctor" wouldn't call my baby, a baby! Instead, he kept referring to it as "only tissue". I knew he didn't know what he was talking about. Everything about the place made me scared and sick.
Next thing I knew, we found ourselves in an office. The lady was explaining everything about the pills. I guess the way I would feel afterward wasn't apart of the WARNINGS, of taking these pills.
Everything stood still as I popped these deadly pills into my mouth... my heart raced... I felt them as they went down, and I wanted to die myself.
I tried to block what I had done, out of my mind... and it worked... only because I was terrified about what was to come.
And then it came...
I started bleeding the very next day... the bleeding was very intense. It felt like I WAS dying. I bled so much, all at once that I kept passing out as Jason was driving. I was never able to take the next set of pills, because my body acted naturally on the matter. I just kept bleeding and bleeding... I truly felt like I was dying... at one point, I even felt ready and at peace to die.
Jason finally rushed me to the hospital around midnight. I passed out a few more times on the ride there... and then I hit the floor once more as we made our way to the front desk of the ER.
The fatal news... I had lost my baby...
Everything happened as it was suppose to, and yet, everything was one big mess to me.
My whole life seemed out of control and incomplete.
I regret my decision more than I can explain...
It's beyond words.
My "estimated due date" would have been July 14, 2008.
I do believe my baby lived until she was about 4 1/2 weeks old.
The smell of the skillet burrito made me sick. I craved Colby jack cheese and pickles (together).
I remember praying to God after all of this had happened... I remember pleading with Him to make a miracle in me, and to let my baby still live. I knew that all things are possible with Him and that if He wanted to allow my baby to continue to still grow inside of me, that He could... He CAN do all things. I knew it was unlikely that He would, because this was part of my consequence to sin, but I still pleaded and gave Him all the faith that I had.
He did not allow my baby to live... He allowed my consequence to follow. I will not praise Him any less because of it. He never changed... He is always the same, always glorified and worthy of all my praises. I changed... I made a terrible choice.
My regret has no end.
And so... this is my record of one of the WORSE times in my entire life...
THE END of a life - November 23, 2007
(The poem and the journal entry were two things that I had written shortly after the abortion - I wanted to recall what had happened, on paper - so that I could look back - so that I could see how God could heal me amidst all of the pain and hurt I had gone through. My story is so important, and reading through my poem and journal entry, there are missing pieces. I'm guessing what I wrote, the approach I took at the time, was solely focused on "my child" and what I had lost - rather than the gruesome details that truly enveloped the entire experience. I changed the name of the man I was with - to respect him and his family - as we are no longer together, and his family does not know of the pregnancy or the abortion.)
Who - me, my fiance (at the time), and our daughter (died from abortion) Clara Grace.
What - an unplanned pregnancy - we were both scared - but I knew that I did not want an abortion - the father did want the abortion - and his choices was superior to mine. RU486 - I was only able to take the first set of the pills (the first set kills, the second set dispels the baby from the uterus).
Where - to this day, I am unsure as to where he took me for the abortion. It took so long to get there - that is all I can remember.
When - November 23, 2007 - it was known as "Black Friday" - the day of shopping excursions and pure chaos, after Thanksgiving. It was my own "Black Friday" for different reasons.
As I stated - there is so much detail missing from the entire experience - it would need to be discussed in person, for others to truly understand. Or, I would need time to give a full account on paper, to give "life" (for lack of a better word...) to what truly took place.