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    Posted February 12, 2013 by
    Phoenix, Arizona
    This iReport is part of an assignment:
    Have you had an abortion?



    At 22, I found myself pregnant. A little nervous, but excited as well. I was engaged to be married and I thought my fiance would be excited and supportive. He was not. He said it was no way to start out a marriage.


    After being emotionally beaten down, I agreed to go to the clinic, where my fiance made the appointment for me. Naively, I thought I could tell the clinic I did not want to have an abortion and they would let me leave. When I arrived, they said if I did not sign the document, I could not have the abortion. Relieved, I refused to sign the paperwork, they let my fiance sign for me. They told me that if I did not go through with the abortion I would die because of the pill I had already taken. I did not know what they were talking about and I still do not know. The female abortionist came in after the procedure as I was hysterically sobbing she asked me "did you want to have this abortion?"; and I replied no. She stormed out of the room.


    Thinking back on it Northland Planning Center in Southfield, Michigan, it's a little like Auschwitz; they pretend like they are there for the welfare of women and their families, but in fact they are not. Now I take full responsibility for my lack of strength in standing up for my unborn child. I regret not having found a proper support system for me and my child. I also regret keeping silent for so many years.


    After leaving the clinic, I did not know how I was going to continue living. The solution for me was to live in denial.  I blocked it from my memory. My doctor put me on valium for a short period of time.


    Run Forest run...I ran from myself. A move to Chicago and an airline job helped me escape. Traveling the world and running from my past. Living a promiscuous life style, I thought I was a sophisticated world traveler. I could not enter into a serious relationship with a man because I was afraid to make another mistake.


    Years passed and I met and married my husband. After twenty years, God graced me with the courage to confess my sin. An elderly priest at St. Timothy's Catholic Church in Mesa, Arizona held my face as I wept.  He said "my dear child, why did you carry this sin for so long?" It was the Holy Spirit forgiving me through this grace filled priest.


    My past would catch up with me. In November of 2001, I had a brief psychotic episode and ran away from home. I was homeless for eight days. Living on the streets of Oakland, California, my family fearing I was dead. Again the grace of God allowed me to come home and recover. It has been a long hard road to recovery.


    In July 2009 I was listening to a pro-life conference call hosted by David Bereit and I was led to a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat for post abortive women. The pain of the weekend was so strong that enduring it took the overwhelming love of God. It was the most powerful weekend of my life. I praise Jesus for every woman and man who shared their pain and healing with me. I am eternally grateful for Dr. Theresa Burke for her research on post abortive women.


    I learned from Dr. Burke's research that psychosis is common in post abortive women. It is also common for women to act out repressed memories on the anniversary of their abortion. I came to the realization that I ran away from home on the 24th anniversary of my abortion. I am sorry I did not have the courage to run away when I was young and save my child. I regret my abortion, I regret my lost motherhood and I apologize to my family and friends for denying them a really great grandson, nephew, cousin, friend and human being.  But most of all I apologize to my son for not  giving him a chance at life.


    Jesus has given me grace, wisdom and a glimpse of my unborn child. It is not what this world or even many priests and spiritual leaders think. He has left me with a very clear meaning of Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through a dark valley, I will fear no harm for you are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage.

    My prayer for all of you reading this is that you help put an end the legalization of abortion.

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