- Posted February 13, 2013 by
Rock Island, Illinois
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
The Other Side of Abortion
When you make the decision to abort your baby and walk into a clinic, they do not sit you down and explain the procedure, what to expect later in life when you have a miscarriage and blame yourself for making the previous choice to abort. They don't tell you all the other choices you have besides abortion. You can walk into The Woman's Choice Center and look at all your options and they will show you all the stages of pregnancy and the different procedures for aborting your baby.
When I was 23, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and selfishly did not want, nor thought, I could have this baby. After telling my boyfriend at the time, I decided to have an abortion. I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood in Iowa City. I walked in they called me back to take a pill and to prepare me for the "procedure". By this time in my life I had learned to numb any sort of feelings or conscience I had....I had made a "choice" to make my life easier, and I didn't want a baby to get in my way. This was the most logical "choice" and I wanted it done as soon as possible. The procedure was fast and effective...Much easier than carrying a baby...in my mind, I thought I was making the right "choice"...There was nothing physically wrong with the baby inside my womb...I had no legit reason to make the decision to abort her...other than it was easy, fast and took care of my "problem"....
I continued on with my life, selfishly chasing my dream of being famous singer. I was still numbing any unwanted feelings with drugs, alcohol, and sex. I had lost all respect for myself, and my body.....I only cared about surface, empty issues, and had no respect for anyone....and stooped very low at times to meet my desires. At the age of 25 I moved out to Long Island with a friend to fulfill my dreams of rock stardom. 3 weeks later I found myself pregnant again...this time determined to keep this baby, convincing myself that there were a lot of single moms out there, and I could do it too.
I packed up all I had and drove back to the QC. After a couple more weeks of trying to stay sober, quit smoking and making my plans to keep my baby, fear crept in and viciously attacked my mind. I was struck down and called to make another appointment at Planned Parenthood. By this time there was one conveniently located in Bettendorf, Iowa. I was afraid, alone, in emotional ruin...I felt helpless
...I walked in to the clinic 2 years almost to the date of my first abortion. This time I felt the coldness of the staff...the depression that lingered in the waiting room of other girls like me afraid and thinking this was the way out....I went back to the room and the doctor was stone cold, no remorse, empty...after it was all said and done I walked out of the clinic with feelings of regret and depression. For the next couple of weeks I didn't want to move...
I just kept thinking about the what if....what if I kept the baby, what if I just gave him up for adoption....for another year I wallowed in my pain desperately trying to find a way to drown out the sorrow...the drugs and alcohol would not soothe my pain, no matter what I tried. When I became sober, the torment and anger haunted me. When I was 26 I decided to go to church with a friend, I went to church on occasion, so I thought, what the heck, I'll give it a try....On that day, almost a year to the very date of my last abortion, I finally understood Who God really was....it wasn't a religion, it wasn't a cult...It was freedom...an unimaginable, glorious joy that came in and filled that empty feeling, the feeling of despair and confusion. My eyes were opened to True life, eternal life!
After a few months of being saved, or born-again there was a special drama presentation at our church and in it this sister was confessing to her brother that she had "chose" to abort her baby. She sang a song about the hope she had in God that one day she would see her baby in heaven. It broke me down inside, and I cried in agony over the loss of these 2 innocent babies I "chose" not to keep. I started condemning myself for choosing abortion, I was filled with anger and rage...having outbursts at any given time, not realizing it partly stemmed from my "choice" to abort my children.
Gradually, through the grace and mercy of an awesome God, I began to heal. I went through a tremendous book study, Surrendering the Secret, and was able to share my abortion story with other post abortive women....and I knew I was not alone. I learned that I was forgiven by a great God and now I can share my story in hopes that other women who become pregnant will not choose abortion, but LIFE.