- Posted February 14, 2013 by
Near Amsterdam, Netherlands
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
Raped - are we less barbaric?
Raped. Being strangled, and gasping for breath I knew I was going to die in the next minute, so I decided to give in and let him have his way with my body so I could stay alive. Afterwards I clutched my coat tightly around me so no-one could see my ripped clothing underneath.
Lying on my bed, waiting for the abortion, I was listening to the others - they were laughing and giggling "Why are you having it done?" One said she didn't know who the father was - she had slept with 2 men, another didn't want a 3rd baby, and someone else said they wanted to get rid of their morning sickness. I was the last to be called, and so I finally had time to think. I said to the nurse as she came to collect me "But I'm a mother! I have a baby growing inside of me!!" to which she responded that we all say that at the last minute, but that I was doing the right thing. And then I walked into the operating room. Feet high up, tied, arms outstretched, tied, garment lifted up, top of garment lifted down... I felt terrible. Having gone through a rape, and now this as well. I was given a shot, and don't remember anything. Afterwards, I awoke.. still on the table, but in the sitting position, and hearing them shout "Stand up!! Stand up!!" ... but I was in pain and agony. Clutching my tummy and folded double in pain, I fumbled my way back to the recovery bed. Could hardly walk. The room which had initially been filled with women all laughing, was now a room filled with moaning, crying, and a woman who kept on crying out "God forgive me!". It was horrendous. The next day I went home, but bled for almost half a year.
I tried to suppress everything, by working hard, and started drinking to deaden the pain. But I couldn't hold a little baby any more - who was I to be a mother? I had killed a baby. Even today still, many things fling me right back to that traumatic day: black and white checkered tiles, creaking doors, large clocks (there had been one at the end of the waiting room - the minutes ticking away to the death of my baby, while it felt as though a heavy cloud hung there - a sinister cloud of death). Every mother's day afterward was aweful: I was grateful to my mother for my life, but I knew I was a mother too - but of a dead baby that hardly anybody knew anything about.
Later in life, with a boyfriend, I discovered I was pregnant. But he didn't want the baby, and said to get rid of it, or he would be gone. Well, I chose for the baby, so he indeed left. But sadly I miscarried. In the hospital I asked for my baby, as I wanted to bury her with dignity, but they kept avoiding me when I asked. I now realize that my baby was put in the trash, just like aborted babies. I find that thought sickening.
Anyway, so eventually I had a talk with my mother, in which she confided that I myself was conceived in violence - my father had been drunk, and hitting her around the room, hitting walls etc and took her by force. And that is how my life started. Nowadays, when I hear people say that they are not for abortion, except in cases of rape, I wonder: "Huh? So just because I was not created in love with wine and roses, gives you a right to give me the death sentance? What did I do wrong!" When I had my abortion, there were 3 of us - the rapist was the father, I was a mother, and there was a 3rd person - she was growing in my womb, and was depending on me to stay alive. But she did nothing wrong!
After I heard about how I was conceived, I thought: Wow, at least I am ALIVE! I can make something of my life. But my baby is no longer alive. Ugh. I hate myself for what I did, for killing my own flesh and blood. They call her "the rapists baby" but she was MY baby. I could have grown to love her, or have her adopted. But now I have to live with all the years of guilt and shame, just because this silly operation is legal - that government says it is good to kill your firstborn baby. From where I stand, that is just so ludicrous. We discriminate children in the womb, as if they are trash, and can be killed at a moment's whim. Why, because they are not convenient? Well, if I have a row with my husband, and it is a "difficult situation", may I KILL him, simply because it is not "convenient"? No! I find a solution - killing another human being is not a solution to an often temporary problem. My so-called "quick fix" turned into years of misery and fighting myself, creating a wall around myself. But now..... now I am free. I started talking, and found healing... but I am still not proud of what I have done, and so now I educate about abortion, what the baby looks like as he/she grows, and what the baby looks like after an abortion. Why? Well, you know, our governments are supposed to protect their citizens, including those in the womb. Government says we don't kill the offending rapist. But in some cultures they kill the victim of rape: the mother, and in our culture we kill the victim of rape: the baby... and I ask you, which is less barbaric? From where I stand, I see abortion as a quick way out for a man who says "why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free!". Conctraception often fails, and when they find out we are pregnant, they force us to abort, so they can avoid 18 years of paying child alimony. Huh? Is this freedom for women? I think not. It was when I saw a picture of a little 8 week baby that was aborted, that I was in utter shock... I couldn't believe my eyes!!! There she lay... perfectly formed little ribs, perfectly formed little hands, perfectly formed little feet, a beautiful head.... and eyes staring right back up at you. Pfff... I thought: "My God!! What have I done! This is a perfectly formed little baby!!!! This is a HUMAN!!! Oh no! What have I done!"
I have learned to live with this terrible day in my life - I could forgive the rapist, but I could hardly forgive myself for having killed another human being (my rights end where another being starts), but I have now made a grave for my lost babies, and given them names: incorporated them as part of my life - a part I am not proud of, but neverless, honest, and admitting what I have done. And so now I stand up for human rights of babies. We have listened to a few feminists so long for their "rights", but I believe it is time to start looking at the rights of chiildren, and speaking up for them. And so I do.
If you are pregnant - get help. There are people who DO care about you, and will help you and your baby. Remember, this is a temporary situation - this too shall pass, but you are stronger than you think, and there are no more beautiful jewels that you can hang around your neck, than the arms of a little baby - your baby. Be courageous, be strong, and be bold. You can do it! God bless, Irene