I was raised by a mother who taught me to believe that all children were a gift, that abortion was "wrong" etc. I also however, grew up in a broken home, my mother had acute anxiety which caused her to be emotionally and mentally abusive, and my father became physically abusive when he moved in with a new girlfriend when I was 13. I felt alone, unloved, misunderstood, unseen etc. I began a reckless lifestyle which involved alot of alccohol, dropping out of school and partying etc. I longed to be a mother, I realize now because I wanted something to love that I felt would surely (unconditionally) love me back too. I became pregnant at 16 by a guy whom Id just began dating, who lived in another town, and who was even more of a mess than I was-a drug dealer with no path towards any future let alone a bright one. I wasnt sure about the bf, but I felt like maybe I could trust my parents with it, or at least my mother, as I felt they wouldnt want me to abort it; i figured they do what they could to support/help me. I was so very wrong. I was met with so much anger and judgement. My mother screamed at me that a was a stupid selfish person who only cared about booze not anyone else and that I should abort it. I mentioned adoption but she said thatd be "too hard for me". I was living with my dad at the time, since the age of 12 when my mother wanted nothing more to do with me, and so I knew truly he had to be the one to help me. But, he too was VERY angry and told me that if I didnt abort it hed kick me out into the streets. I said "how could you do that to your own daughter? and the baby is your grandbaby" and he said that Id always be his child but the baby wasnt his problem and if I was going to choose to throw away my life that he wasnt going to be responsible. Him and my mother made a plan behind my back to move to the states if I kept it so that the government couldnt hold them financially responsible.....I didnt nor did I ever want money from them. I wanted to know I had support, a home in which to live so I could go back to school, have my baby and truly TRY. But, between my parents and the father wanting nothing to do with it etc I felt forced to make the choice based on the welfare of my child; knowing I could not give them any kind of life which they deserved at that time in my own life, so I went through with the abortion. I kept hoping maybe something would change, that last min my mom or dad would be like "were sorry, were here for you whatever you need" but they werent/didnt start being "nice" to me until Id made the choice to go through with aborting my baby. I "knew" there was no there choice. In the hospital it was cold and horrible. I was alone. My dad left to do laundry because he couldnt handle the "emotions" of it all, and my mom stayed in the waiting room. Apparently after the abortion while I was still knocked out from the meds, when the nurse came to check me I sat up suddenly grabbing her (very strongly) by the shirt and screaming at her to give me back my baby. when I came fully to, the nurse wouldnt come past the end of my bed and was scowling at me. I looked at her confused and she just said "theres a black X beside your name!" and walked away. My mom came in a few min later and I asked her what had that was about? I felt horrible like Id been "bad", and was thinking "I did everything everyone wanted from me, why am I in trouble? how are people MAD at me?!" my mom told me whatd happened, and apparently I caused quite a distruption for the other patients ie pregnant mothers and this made the staff very unhappy as it caused a few to walk out etc. I went through over a year after this of straight hell and immense drinking. I was haunted by my baby. hearing them "cry", id wake up from nightmares, I truly missed my baby. after much time and personal work on this matter, as well as getting sober etc. Ive come to see how brainwashed I was. Theyd told me (my mother especially) that it was the RIGHT choice because I wasnt "ready" for a baby etc. and I believed it for so long, comforting myself with these bandaid lies. I did have a choice, I could have gotten welfare and gone back to school and there were many young mothers programs, but I was so afraid of being alone. Of having no family of my own, knowing my friends wouldnt have time for me anymore and everything I just couldnt handle the idea of just me and a baby alone in an empty low income house, it scared me. so now I realize though, fear kept me from having my baby, and lies I was told and chose to believe. after my abortion, I ended up being removed from my dads due to violence anyhow and ended up on income assistance in my own place while going to a girls alternative program by the age of 17. so, all that I was afraid of happened anyways, and without my baby. If we look to babies/children as how they should be we'd see that theyre alll a miraculous gift that enables us to grow into a person we didnt even know we could be and open our lives up to be so much richer. Iam now an activist for aborted babies and am a voice for them. Im also now a mother of two boys with another baby on the way, and feel so blessed that I was given this opportunity to be a mother again. RIP to my lil angel, mommy loves you and always has greatly! same to my babies which I misscarried later in life, may your sweet souls be with God always <3
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