- Posted February 15, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
Have you ever committed murder? well i have, and it was on my unborn child. those were my opening words to my public speaking class in college. the topic- what's the worst thing you've ever done in your life. there was no question in my mind what it was, although there was fear to talk about it, it was an obvious choice.
i was 18, already a mother of a three year old little girl who's dad i had just left due to his inconsistency and drug problem. i had just began dating my friend of a few years and was pregnant. what would they think? i played that question over and over in my mind... surely they'll call me a whore and think that i'm easy. i asked my now boyfriend his thoughts, and in his immaturity he said whatever i wanted he'd be fine with. this would have been his first born. i was only 5 or 6 weeks pregnant when my sister brought me to the clinic, the details of what happened inside are as you've heard before, or what you can imagine it would look/smell/feel like in a building full of hopelessness and fear. as i lay on the table heavily drugged, i asked the abortionist how old the baby was, to which he replied "does it matter?" he then went on to tell me that i shouldn't bite my nails... as if what i was about to do was as casual as ordering a coffee. i went under and came to with the nurse zipping up my pants. it was "over." or so they said. they sent me home with painkillers and little did i know it had just begun. i began to research abortion afterwards, and had tremendous regrets that i hadn't educated myself before... it was too late now. i went on with my life- burying the pain and guilt, and swallowing the regrets. i later married that boyfriend and we went on to have three other children.
long story short, i feel that i'm missing a kid, I always will have a hole in my heart as a mother and as a woman. my only son talks about how much he wishes he had a brother, and i know in my heart it was a boy. my husband will never know how it feels to treasure his first-born, and i will never know what it feels like to not have murdered someone for no real reason at all. regrets will last forever, and all i can do now is speak out to warn the others. my friend once told me this: worse case scenario for the babies killed in abortion clinics- they go to be with Jesus, worse case scenario for the mothers, they have to live with it for the rest of their lives. that is my motivation for speaking out against abortion, not for a religious one, but rather to spread the voice of hope and empowerment to other women who may find themselves where i was ten years ago. i hope they choose differently. Love, shirley