- Posted February 15, 2013 by
Ft Lauderdale, Florida
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
Abortion and Addiction
At the age of 6 weeks old, I was adopted into a middle class Lutheran family in a small town of Springfield, Illinois with no relationship with God only a religion. As I was growing up I faced many struggles as an adopted child does with abandonment issues and having no idea really where I fit in. Would get teased for being adopted by other kids. A girl would argue with me of who my real parents are. Every time I would say I don’t know, they would say well why don’t you know. I would hear the song “Somewhere Out There” that was in the movie “American Tail” and would long to find my birthmother. I had a huge whole in my heart where she was missing. My issues of feeling abandoned started at a very young age due to not having a mother/child connection at birth and being placed in a foster home for the first two months of my life. Psalm 139:13-14 says “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I had a closed adoption so I didn’t have much information on my birthparents. The only thing from my adoption papers that my parents were addicts but I never knew the extent of it until I became much older. My biological parents were 15 years old and 16 years old. My mother was molested by my grandfather all throughout her life. At the time of the pregnancy she was being molested. My grandfather thought that she was pregnant with his child so he wanted me aborted. A paternity test was ran and found that not my grandfather’s child. So my birthmother took a stand and choose to continue with the pregnancy. She wanted to keep me but my grandfather forced her to place me for adoption. As I was growing up I wanted a big family, I wanted to feel loved. I wanted to feel like I was a part of my adoptive family. I never did feel that way the whole time I was growing up. At the age of 13, I ran away from home from the first time and also tried to commit suicide for the first time. My parents would tell me that I was worthless and that I would never amount to anything on a daily basis.
At the age of 19 I met my biological mother and my great grandmother. The day I met my mother is a day that I will never forgot. I knocked on my great grandmother’s door at her home and a woman came behind me and asked if she could help me with something. I took my sunglasses off and the woman dropped her bag of groceries. She knew immediately who I was. She was my mom. While meeting her I found out that most of my birth family struggles with addictions and that is exactly what I was a product of. My birthfather used to sell drugs to women for sex. I knew deep in my heart that if I ever met her, my life would change and maybe those abandonment issues would be erased and I could finally live my life. Boy I was wrong! I got into a relationship with man that was physically abusive. I got pregnant by this man and lost the baby. I was blamed for the loss of pregnancy and he started hitting me, put me at knife point, and throwing me down flights of stairs I knew I needed to run and leave my life as it had become.
In May, of 1997, I moved to Kentucky to go to college.. Totally an athesist at this point. I was no longer sheltered, was living 5 hours away from family, and had more freedom then I could ever have. I got into a relationship. I thought my life was perfect, I had a man that I loved with all my heart and that loved me and we married. As I my marriage started to suffer, my husband came up with the idea for us to move to Florida. We were in the process of buying a house and had saved up some money. We took all the money we had saved and moved to Miami.
My husband was Brazilian and when we got here he became very accustomed to the Miami lifestyle. He started visiting South Beach regularly without me and going to parties in Downtown Miami without even my knowledge. My husband no longer put me first in our marriage and that feeling of rejection came back again in my life. Hurricane Wilma hit that following year and we had excessive damage to our apartment. Not only did it put a strain on us financially. I had just received a promotion to start working on high profile homicide cases at the State Attorney’s Office and one day I came home from work with an empty apartment, my husband had packed all of his belongings and moved out. A few months after my husband had left I met a man that was going through a separation as well, a relationship that carried on for almost 7 years. A “friend” had introduced us and we hung out for one night, got pretty drunk that night, and from then on this relationship started but not in a healthy way. I missed my husband dearly and he was the replacement in my eyes. Little did I know, I was falling for him. In January of 2007, I was several weeks late and became pregnant. I knew I was pregnant but was in denial. I called my doctor after one of my co workers insisted on buying me a pregnancy test so I would take it. The test was positive. After the doctor confirmed the pregnancy I finally told Jose and he was not supportive at first. He mentioned abortion to me and I immediately told him no. We decided to carry the baby and at 32 weeks I was informed that my son had died. I had to delivery and bury my child. We dealt with the loss of our son in similar ways but not together. After losing my son, I went to Naples and a friend had cocaine and asked me if I wanted to try it. I wanted anything I possibly could to stop the pain of losing my son. My addiction to cocaine started the very first time I tried it. I started working for a law firm in Brickell, making more money then I knew what to do with and instead of being grateful, I took advantage of the money. I partied more to numb the insanity of my life. There wasn’t a day that went by that cocaine didn’t take over my life. He was in the background for the majority during this time. We only saw each other casually when it was convenient for both of us. . I was at Hard Rock Casino one night, became very depressed while I was high and was also drunk. I drove home with a .18 alcohol level at a high rate of speed listening to song that is about pain. I got home grabbed a razor blade and started to slit my wrists. I was involuntarily committed that night to Jackson Hospital for 72 hours to detox and was under a very strict suicide watch. During the course of the night, many blood tests were ran and I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. I lied to the psychologist so I could be released. I got home from the hospital, not caring if I was pregnant and snorted a few lines of cocaine. I needed to feel numb again. At 14 weeks, my boyfriend finally started talking to me about my pregnancy and mentioned abortion. Cocaine was way more important to me then my child who I thought I was going to die anyway so I started calling abortion clinics. At 15 weeks, I had an abortion at Planned Parenthood. At the clinic I immediately felt all the guilt, shame, and regret of having the abortion. I knew what I was doing and I knew it was wrong. My mind said get up but my body wouldn’t allow me to. I went home from the clinic and went into straight isolation not wanting to talk to anyone. I text Jose to let him know the abortion was over and all he could say to me was I am sorry you had to go through with this. I needed him, and I had to deal with the abortion all alone. My drug use got worse and so did promiscuity. I started prostituting for drugs and got into the stripper life. I stayed at crack houses and got kicked out for stealing their drugs. My trunk was my closet for many weeks. I took showers at my friends house hoping that no one at my job would know that I was homeless. My boyfriend and I ended up getting back together but he was very abusive to me verbally and emotionally. I found out I was pregnant again, this time with no emotion and I went into an abortion clinic in Miami and got the RU486 which is the abortion pill. There was no way I was going to go through with a surgical abortion again and the trauma that I faced, all the friends telling me that I was to selfish to become a mother. I kept the second abortion to myself until I got sober. I had to drive by Our Saviors Lutheran Church in Plantation every single day while going to work. After many drive bys I finally called the pastor and made an appointment for counseling. Pastor Nichols referred me to Forgiven and Set Free, the post abortion bible study that Hope Women’s Centers offer which it took me sometime to make that first initial phone call. I didn’t want to take the class but I knew I needed help. I went through the bible study and finally towards the end could tell the work that God was doing in me. Matthew 11:28 says, “Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” I was still partying but not as much. One night, during the Depression chapter of the bible study I prayed and asked Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior during that time. Towards the end of the bible study I was told about Celebrate Recovery. I never started it when I should have. In April of 2010 I went on a Via De Cristo weekend and was sang to by men that had a great love for God. I remember saying to myself I want to have a man in my life that loves God first and then me rather then drugs or other women first and then me. I finally felt like I had forgiven myself for the abortions and selling myself to men. I was finally was able to Let Go, Let God or so I thought. Right after my weekend, I received a phone call from my doctor that they needed to see me. I went in to my doctor and they needed to run some tests that I had HPV. One of those test was cryosurgery and the feeling of my abortion was right in front of my eyes. They were able to send some of cells that they had found to the lab and the test results came back with Cervical Cancer. A hysterectomy needed to be performed as a result of abortions that I had and the damage during the abortions. The day before my surgery I cried out to God and promised him that I would stop doing drugs, I would stop living the life that I was living. I had many awesome accountability people helping me out in the weeks that I was recovering. On July 4th of 2010 I fell again to the insanity of drugs and ended up having money stolen from me right out of my house. After that night, I was going through some things and I saw a note that I made about Celebrate Recovery. I went to my first meeting in August at Calvary Chapel. I feel in love with the program after going to several meetings. I had tried AA and NA before but there was something different about Celebrate Recovery. I loved the fact that it covers all issues not only addiction. In December, I started the 12 Steps with two awesome facilators. On December 31, 2010 I recommitted myself to the Lord. It has been a struggle but as my sponsor told, God is doing amazing work in your life everyday. I finished my Christian Counseling degree from Liberty last year with a speciality in Addictions and Recovery and Post Traumatic and I will starting Trinity International University next month for my masters in Psychology.