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Have you had an abortion?
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- Posted February 15, 2013 by
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Location
Goshen, Indiana
Goshen, Indiana
Assignment
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Long term consequences
When I was in my 20's I moved from the Mid-West to Denver, Colorado where I had always wanted to live. Because I had no friends or support system there, when I became involoved with a man that developed into an unhealthy relationship, I couldn't findthe strength within myself to leave him.
I became pregnant, and to avoid embarassment to my parents and due to an angry ex-common law wife on his part, he decided I should have an abortion. Something inside me told me that wasn't the best decision, but I went ahead with it. I remember waking from the procedure feeling that something indescribaly evil and horrible had happened. After much persistance on my part, the nurse agreed to let me see the remains. She told me ahead of time that I wouldn't be able to see much; just mostly some liquid and maybe a little blood. She was right, and I felt a little better since I didn't see any little fingers, toes, or recognizable body parts. Yes, perhaps it was a "blob of tissue" as I was told. (It wasn't until years later that I was smart enough to figure out that all parts had been removed. What woman would be able to stand to see her baby brought into her in shreds??)
What I wasn't told at the time was that the chances of difficulty with subsequent pregnancies increase greatly after an abortion.
Afterward, I became depressed and the free-spirited young woman who had moved across the country was now under the control of a man who insisted he knew what was best and she should do as he says.
Six years later, I conceived again. Even though I was now in an abusive relationship and didn't feel it wise to bring a child into that, I remembered the horrible feeling that I experienced after the first abortion, and I wasn't going to go through it again.
As the pregnancy progressed it became complicated by the development of fibroid tumors. But I had decided even if I needed to be a single mother, I would have this baby and the doctors were saying that I wouldn't be able to carry to term. Plus, since the tumors were attached to the uterus, the only way to cure that was by a hysterectomy.
I continued on with my pregnancy with the tumors growing so large that twice I had to be catheterized so I could urinate.
One day I decided I couldn't endure the pain anymore, and as much as I hated to, I gave in to the termination of my pregnancy and the hysterectomy. I remember laying on the operating table crying, my hands on my stomach, asking both God and the baby to forgive me.
The pregnancy wasn't the only thing that was terminated. Part of me died that day, and I knew that I would never have the chance to bear another child. The already unhealthy relationship I was in couldn't take the stress placed on me by the guilt of another abortion. The relationship eventually ended.
Since the relationship wasn't a good one, to have it end wasn't all bad, but I have since talked to many women who give in to abortion in hopes of saving the relationship with the baby's father, and it is quite devasting.
But for me, the guilt, depression, and loss of self esteem and self identity brought on by my freedom of choice that I felt coerced to use were very traumatic.
I was only able to overcome them years later by the grace of God and finding support from other women who had been through abortion recovery programs.
My second abortion was traumatic enough to me that I know the date of it.....Feb. 20, 1987; five days short of 26 years from this writing.
Now, I am at the age where I should be enjoying grandchildren, but that generation is lost to me. And my choice does not only effect me. My parents should have had two more grandchildren to enjoy, my sisters should have another niece and nephew, and I have deprived the children whose lives I ended in death before birth didn't have the chance to live and have children , grandchildren, or great-grandchildren of their own. There are holes in our family tree that can never be replaced.
My abortions changed my life forever, but I thank God for the healing that He has brought to me.
I became pregnant, and to avoid embarassment to my parents and due to an angry ex-common law wife on his part, he decided I should have an abortion. Something inside me told me that wasn't the best decision, but I went ahead with it. I remember waking from the procedure feeling that something indescribaly evil and horrible had happened. After much persistance on my part, the nurse agreed to let me see the remains. She told me ahead of time that I wouldn't be able to see much; just mostly some liquid and maybe a little blood. She was right, and I felt a little better since I didn't see any little fingers, toes, or recognizable body parts. Yes, perhaps it was a "blob of tissue" as I was told. (It wasn't until years later that I was smart enough to figure out that all parts had been removed. What woman would be able to stand to see her baby brought into her in shreds??)
What I wasn't told at the time was that the chances of difficulty with subsequent pregnancies increase greatly after an abortion.
Afterward, I became depressed and the free-spirited young woman who had moved across the country was now under the control of a man who insisted he knew what was best and she should do as he says.
Six years later, I conceived again. Even though I was now in an abusive relationship and didn't feel it wise to bring a child into that, I remembered the horrible feeling that I experienced after the first abortion, and I wasn't going to go through it again.
As the pregnancy progressed it became complicated by the development of fibroid tumors. But I had decided even if I needed to be a single mother, I would have this baby and the doctors were saying that I wouldn't be able to carry to term. Plus, since the tumors were attached to the uterus, the only way to cure that was by a hysterectomy.
I continued on with my pregnancy with the tumors growing so large that twice I had to be catheterized so I could urinate.
One day I decided I couldn't endure the pain anymore, and as much as I hated to, I gave in to the termination of my pregnancy and the hysterectomy. I remember laying on the operating table crying, my hands on my stomach, asking both God and the baby to forgive me.
The pregnancy wasn't the only thing that was terminated. Part of me died that day, and I knew that I would never have the chance to bear another child. The already unhealthy relationship I was in couldn't take the stress placed on me by the guilt of another abortion. The relationship eventually ended.
Since the relationship wasn't a good one, to have it end wasn't all bad, but I have since talked to many women who give in to abortion in hopes of saving the relationship with the baby's father, and it is quite devasting.
But for me, the guilt, depression, and loss of self esteem and self identity brought on by my freedom of choice that I felt coerced to use were very traumatic.
I was only able to overcome them years later by the grace of God and finding support from other women who had been through abortion recovery programs.
My second abortion was traumatic enough to me that I know the date of it.....Feb. 20, 1987; five days short of 26 years from this writing.
Now, I am at the age where I should be enjoying grandchildren, but that generation is lost to me. And my choice does not only effect me. My parents should have had two more grandchildren to enjoy, my sisters should have another niece and nephew, and I have deprived the children whose lives I ended in death before birth didn't have the chance to live and have children , grandchildren, or great-grandchildren of their own. There are holes in our family tree that can never be replaced.
My abortions changed my life forever, but I thank God for the healing that He has brought to me.
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