This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
I regret my abortion
7 years later and I am still heartbroken. The choice to abort yields major consequences that are not discussed and are unknown to the general public. I got pregnant at age 19, a freshman in college, and with an abusive boyfriend. He tried to isolate me from family and friends, and I believed he was the only one I could trust. I never wanted to have an abortion, but it haunts me that I still did it anyway. At first he threatened to get custody of our baby, hoping that would scare me from carrying him/her to term. Then his physical abuse worsened as he grew desperate to cause a miscarriage. He threatened to perform an abortion on me himself or to kill me. I was too weak emotionally to fight him after sufferring from so much abuse, that eventually I just gave in. We drove to an abortion clinic 4 hours away which looked more like a dumpy house in a ghetto than an actual clinic. I stalled for an hour and missed the appointment, waiting outside and pleading with him that I didn't want to do it. Because we missed the appointment, I received a terrible beating. He forced me to take blue and black cohosh pills 3 each, 3 times a day after that. We went on winter break for school shortly after that and went back to our homes in different states. With him not being there to breathe down my neck, I stopped taking the pills. I was afraid to tell my parents about my pregnancy and about my abuse, and most abused women are the same way. It is not easy to tell someone that your are being abused when you're pregnant by the abuser and feel alone, isolated, and broken down emotionally because he's telling you that you aren't good enough to have that baby, you can't raise that baby alone, he won't be there for you, he's telling you that you can't trust your own parents. It was a nightmare and I felt like I had nowhere to turn. I loved my child, and even named him/her, but I felt like I had no other choice. I tried to put it off until the last possible day, which was the day before I went back to college. I was depressed the entire day, and when it was time to go, I was freaking out over possibly being late to another appointment... because of what happened at the other appointment, I was truly afraid of what would happen if I didn't follow through with this one. When doing the counselling part of the appointment, it was basically me signing forms and getting birth control, and being told that I was brave. I asked for a copy of my sonogram and the counselor told me that alot of women do, which made me wonder how many other were like me. I waited in that cold room undressed from the waist down for what seemed like forever, which only allowed that room to be further ingrained into my memory. I apologized to my baby before the doctor and nurse came in. They did the sonogram but did not allow me to see my baby, but they did print out a picture for me which I did not receive until I was pulling my pants back up. I was very scared and alone, and the doctor had to pry my legs open. The pain was indescribable, and I was fully conscious for the whole thing with only a local anesthetic which they didn't even wait for the numbness to settle in. I screamed and cried and the nurse gave me a nerf football to sqeeze while holding me down. I have been raped before, but this was so much more invasive it sickens me to the core. I am appalled and disgusted that abortion is flaunted as a liberating and empowering thing because I felt the most vulnerable and weak that I have ever felt on that table. A part of me died with my baby. When it was over, I pulled my pants back up and saw blood dripping on the table. The nurse gave me my picture, only making me feel even more guilty. I wanted them to put that baby back inside of me. I kind of zoned out for a moment, most likely from shock, and they lead me to a recovery room. A girl was there who was 16 and here for her second abortion. She was asleep for her abortion and was just waking up when they gave her her sonogram picture. I will never forget the look on her face, a look of regret and sorrow. When we started talking I told her how painful it was and I started crying again. A friend took me home but we didn't talk about it. The next day, my parents and I (and remember, they had no idea about anything) drove back to my college 13 hours away. I was silent for the whole car ride, trying to hold back the tears in fear of them finding out. I decided I was going to go back to school and do it perfectly and try to move on. But when I got there, he dumped me. He dumped me and called our baby and piece of sh** when I showed him my precious sonogram picture. I felt like my life was out of control, I regretted what happened, I felt betrayed, I felt stupid for trusting him and believing him, I felt like a bad mom, and at the same time I felt like I didn't want to let everyone else down so I tried to pretend like I was ok but I was living a lie. I was sitting there staring and reliving memories like a movie playing in my classes and team practices. My parents would call and I would lie and say I went to class and that I was doing well when really I was in my dorm crying WHY WHY WHY over and over again, completely heart broken. I would have done anything to turn back time. It seemed like I was seeing more babies than usual, and I was jealous of people I knew who were pregnant. I felt like that should have been me instead. And by the way, the clinic knew that I was leaving the next day and they didn't care whether I had a follow up appointment or not. So I didn't go to a doctor until I had my next pregnancy a year later, and I had alot of unprotected a risky sex up until that point. Eventually, the abuser and I had reached a point where I had to do something about the abuse because even though he dumped me we still continued to sleep together (as I was hoping to get pregnant again), and I took him to court for assaulting me and got him out of my life. He has since then sent me an email apologizing and admitting that he regrets the abortion too. I don't trust him but I forgave him because I got tired of hating him for what he did to me. My life after the abortion spiraled downward. When I got rid of the boyfriend, I had freedom and had some fun with friends, but still my heart ached for my baby. I became promiscuous, and allowed myself to be degraded by men. At times I believed I was the one using the guy and that I had control of him, but at the end of the day I really felt just as degraded as I did on the table. I eventually became involved with a man who was just as self loathing as I was, but who wanted a child. I was obsessed with getting pregnant. I have never been religious, but feeling so helpless, hopeless, believing that I didn't deserve another child, and being afraid that I was now infertile (remember, I had not seen a doc since the abortion), I prayed for a second chance. I got it. But it wasn't easy going to a doctor after that, and I actually had a panic attack at one appointment all over getting swabbed for a simple group B strep test. I'll never know if I had a boy or a girl, or what he or she would have looked like. I am still healing. I thought I forgave myself this summer and healed in some aspects, but still new triggers pop up and things still bother me. I love my children more than anything, and include my aborted child in that too. I am a budding pro life activist now because I want better for my children than what I experienced and I dont want them to believe the lie that abortion is empowering because I am proof that it's not. Having 3 of my babies here with me and giving me the greatest joy I have ever felt is what is empowering, not the life I was living in self destruction. I don't know a single post abortive woman that isn't self destructive. Our choices have consequences whether we see it right away or not.
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