- Posted February 16, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
Until We Meet Again
Until We Meet Again-Alexa McGrory, Tampa, Fl.
It amazes me how “supportive” the pro-abortion community is when we “abortion-minded” women are contemplating abortion. Yet, after I had my abortion and was suffering from the real “loss” that comes with that choice there was NO SUPPORT! I was left alone in my choice. I had to deal with suicidal thoughts, depression, and disconnection from my children and self-loathing. This choice was supposed to rid me of a problem, give me time to get my life together…what life? After I realize that I no longer had my child growing within me I could not deal with my decision.
I had an abortion because, although I used “protection,” I became pregnant. Already a single mother of two sons and only 27, I went into panic when I found out I was expecting another child. I was in college and already working nights to support my two children. I barely spent time with them. Since I worked in bar at night, there was no way I could still work there while I was pregnant.
During the abortion procedure, I stared at the clock on the wall directly in front of me and I kept thinking, “Hurry up already, please God let this be over!” I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare already. I kept thinking back to the sonogram that I had a few hours earlier that looked like black ink stamped on a paper and the lady kept saying, “It is just a blob of tissue, nothing has begun to happen,” and me saying to myself, “I hope she is telling me the truth, but what if she’s not?” Part of me wanted to run, but then how could I feed my babies? I was so scared, anxious and confused. I looked around to meet someone’s eyes for comfort, but everyone was running around, too busy preparing. As the doctor came in I remember him saying, “Just a few minutes and it will be all over.” As I began counting backwards, I remember asking God to forgive me for what I was about to do.
Immediately after the abortion I felt dead. I felt a large woman shifting me from a wheelchair to a stretcher. I could barely move. She asked me if I needed a blanket and told me I would be resting a while and then she was gone. As I lay there, I was beside myself. I thought I would be relieved that my “problem” was gone, but I felt horrible. Shame, fear, anger flooded my mind. I was numb. I couldn’t cry and I didn’t want to even think. I had a lot of cramping and bleeding, but I was glad because I wanted to be punished for what I had done.
I actually went to the diner next door to eat breakfast because I was feeling sick from not eating all day. As I walked, I tried to walk upright although I was in great pain because I didn’t want anyone to know what I had done. I told my cousin how “relieved” I was that it was over although inside my heart was breaking. When I went to the bathroom, I wondered if the entire baby was out or if I would get an infection from them doing a botched job. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror…I was so ashamed that I had allowed myself to go through with the abortion. I cried. I wanted my baby back.
As time went on after the abortion I hated myself, I couldn’t believe that I bought into the lie that society says about having the choice to bring a child into the world. “Abortion”... Oh God, just saying that word was like a screeching sound to my soul. I could not go into the baby department at any store or even touch a baby. I woke up in the middle of the night as I kept seeing my baby falling or being taken from me. I became somewhat disconnected emotionally from my two children because of the “sacrifice” I had to make for them. I cut my relationship off with the baby’s father immediately after. I could not connect with anyone not friends or family. I quickly sank into a dark hole where no one could reach me. I jumped from relationship to relationship, nothing satisfied me. When I went to work, I drank more to numb myself from the constant pain that lingered inside me. I was depressed, angry and wanted to die. All the things I loved to do (painting, writing and dancing) were no longer of interest to me. The cycle of guilt continued as now I felt like a terrible mother and didn’t even know who I was anymore.
Help and forgiveness actually found me after six years of repressing my abortion. It was after visiting a relative who had just had a late-term abortion that I had went into a deep depression. Hearing her story sent me into an emotional rampage. All the negative feelings, nightmares and even suicidal thoughts that I thought I had recovered from were back. I could even smell the plastic smell from the oxygen mask I wore six years earlier. My body was having pains and cramps and every time I had my menstrual period, I had delusions of my baby’s tissue coming out. I was at church on the Sanctity of Life Sunday when I heard Rev. Rob Schenck speak about abortion. At his first mention, I began to shrink in my seat. I thought I would be found out. Rev. Schenck spoke of God’s forgiveness and how God would never remember what I had done once I had asked him to forgive me. He said, “If you have ever had an abortion, I want to say it was not your fault.” He elaborated on how society convinces us that it is our choice. The last and most crucial thing that Rev. Schenck said was how I would see my baby again in heaven. The walls of my prison had crumbled and fallen. The despair that I was feeling inside had begun to subside.
There was hope! The one thing I wanted back was my child and God could give that back to me. I didn’t have to be ashamed anymore as I was lied to. My baby wasn’t just a blob of tissue.
Rev. Schenck had directed me to my nearest pregnancy center where I attended a “Forgiven and Set Free” group. Initially, I was angry and hurt, but when the group was complete I was able to name my baby girl, honor her and say, "So long." Not forever, but until we meet again.
Thinking back to the night of conception, I realized that when the condom broke that night it was God’s will for me to have my baby, but I interrupted that gift. There is no circumstance great enough to validate an abortion. It is not a solution. It is a problem that wrecks your whole being; mind, body, soul and spirit. The amount of pain and destruction that comes from this “procedure” is irreparable.
The decision to abort my child was the worst decision I have ever made and I will have to live with that. As a teen mom who came through successful, I realize raising unexpected babies as a teen was a better decision than aborting my baby as a 27-year old woman. I wish I could go back, but that can never happen. Nevertheless, I can warn other women, even young women that choosing life for my babies a teenager turned out better than giving into the lies from society that abortion is a good choice.
Although I have found healing and God’s love, I still suffer from post-traumatic stress and will always miss my baby! Abortion is a life sentence because a child who I was blessed with did not have a chance to live. My family photos are missing a vital piece of our history; of my legacy. To honor my daughter Kayla Denise and to save others from this trauma today, I vow to be Silent No More because abortion is a nightmare.