- Posted February 16, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
Have you had an abortion?
My Journey from Darkness into the Light
I was 16 and became pregnant. I was told it was "My Choice", that this was the 1st Grandchild and that I would have to live with the decision for the rest of my life. I chose Life. At 3 months along during the night I was told I would not have this baby and my appt' for an abortion was 9:00am in the morning. All was taken care of. It was the best thing. I begged to be sent away or give my baby up for adoption. These were denied. It was only hours left I had to hold onto the life growing inside of me.
No one spoke to me when I arrived. I was in a room, 3 nurses and Dr. came in. No anesthia or sedation. Two nurses held me down and the other assisted the Dr. I was horrified over what was happening to me and more over what was happening to my baby. Due to the pain I screamed out and a nurse held up a folded washcloth as asked me to bite down on it . This would make things better she said. My screams were stifled. It was a horrific, humiliating and violent act. Now I was told the problem was solved and never to speak of it again. However the trauma from the abortion was just beginning
After the abortion my spirit was broken. I was numb. I let go of any goals or dreams I had. Depression, anger, sadness and shame were my companions. I began to live with my secret and I guarded it well. It was not long after that I began to have bizarre night behavior. I would scream out during the night, waking the whole family. Screaming and running in my sleep as if someone were after me. This continued from 16 until into my early 30's. Next I developed an eating disorder. That was my 2nd secret that I kept hidden. After several years the emotional anguish began to make it's way to the surface. It interfered with my relationships, and all areas of my life. I created many unhealthy relationships and promiscuity. For the next 10 yrs I suffered extreme emotional trauma. I was forced to take many leave of absences from work for inpt and intensive outpt programs as well. During all that time of help I never once told anyone that I had an abortion. I could not speak of it, I was too ashamed.
As time went by my marriage failed and divorced. I continued to reach out for healing but could never open ujp. I did go back to church and found a healing ministry for trauma after abortion, Rachels Vineyard. The retreats were out of state and I was unable to go due to the night terrors and panic attacks I would suffer. I began counseling with a faith-based LCSW and little by little a light was shining into my secret. I began opening up and sharing my secrets. After years of praying for going to a healing retreat, Rachel's Vineyard came to Nashville in 2009 which I attended and the Light of Christ's love broke every chain and bondage of my suffering and shame. Walls of pain were broken down and I was fully penetrated with God's healing mercy.
I have been in the desert for right at 40 years. Never would I have thought that while in history class in 72' & 73' that legalized abortion would have such an impact on my life.
I am forgiven and set free. My life is filled with a great Light and I no longer walk in shame and guilt. I now work to educate and share with other's the healing from the trauma of Abortion. My life is so full of love that my cup overflows. This is why, "I am Silent No More"