- Posted February 22, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
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Benjamin Franklin once said, “nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes”. This was true in my household growing up, except with the addition that there is and always will be such a thing as God.
I was 15 years old, slightly educated, extremely opinionated, and very much in my formative years. I traveled to Oregon with my family, where I would embark on an adventure like none I had ever imagined.
I remember sitting there in the pew in a small town church, listening intently to the pastor speak. He invited those who felt compelled to come to the front, and kneel before their maker. I don’t know what came over me, but I lifted myself from the dense pew and made my way to the steps of the alter.
Suddenly a wave of conviction poured over me, and I began to sob. I sobbed tears of redemption, tears fallen for every wrong that I had ever done, tears of sorrow for every sin that I had ever committed. Alas, I was free.
I left the church feeling incredibly rejuvenated. I felt fresh, and as if every wrong I had ever been a part of was now right. I felt new, and clean, and ready to move on to the next step, saving those who were still trapped in their sin.
A week later I made my adventure to San Francisco. There I would help the homeless, I would greet the unfortunate and lost, and I would offer the saviors grace in the face of their misfortune. I was, bought in.
Not more than a month later I returned to England, armed with my Bible and a message of hope. I would preach the word of God and spread the love of Jesus. I was invited to speak at several events, and I did so proudly. I was now a man of God.
Not bad for a 15 year old, I suppose prophetically, I was just fulfilling my destiny.
It wasn’t but a year later that I was walking through a familiar housing project in my home town that I was confronted by a gang of unruly youths. Long story short, they beat me, they beat me to a pulp. Hospitalized and discouraged, I crashed to my lowest point of depression.
I began, life after that encounter, with fear. I had lost the courage that I had, the unstoppable courage to proclaim the message that I so believed in, to live my life in desperate fear.
How could God do this to me?
To this day I ponder that question. While I, so young and vibrant in life, so aptly seeking the glory of God, how could this happen to me?
I have had dozens of private conversations with Christian leaders recognized worldwide. I have begged myself to reconsider the “light”. I have sobbed and pondered the meaning of my life. But still, I wonder how God abandoned me when I needed him the most.
I have no idea if what I have always believed to be real, is real. I hope that it is. If I have learnt one thing, it is that the morals that Christ teaches you are morals that you should live your life by. I have some resentment to God, as I feel a bit deserted. But maybe, one day, we’ll meet again.
So why did I dump Jesus? I didn’t know what else to do. Maybe soon, he’ll come back for me.
If you have prayers for me, they will be much appreciated. It’s hard to divulge on CNN, but I am a lost soul, looking for answers. I am a hungry soul, looking for reprieve.
I’m certain that I am not the only one who is lost.