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The written word: Your personal essays
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- Posted March 8, 2013 by
- LoveRosee08 Follow
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The Night I Lost You
I dropped my cell phone. My eyes instantly filled with tears. God, no. You’d been talking about this for awhile, when it finally came. A suicide note. The phone screen was too bright through my tears and I squinted against them to read it. The black and white screen made the words seem impersonal, but I knew you so well, I could see it in your handwriting. I could hear it in your voice. Seventeen years old, only seventeen years on this earth, and you were ready to go. After all you’d been through, it’s almost understandable. Depression was tightening its grip around your throat. It was suffocating you. I understand. I despise it, but I understand.
Writing about you in the past tense is so hard. Is it even possible that I was talking to you yesterday? If one day is this much agony, how can I live without you? I remember begging you. No, please, no. We can fix it. I’m here. Those words. Those damn cliché words failed me… failed you. When you said you were sorry, but you were done, I was sitting there with tears running down my face. I told you I loved you, but we both knew that wasn’t enough. I hadn’t gotten to you early enough. I was too late.
The next hour was the most agonizing game of phone tag. Panic set in after even two minutes without a text or a call. A lot can happen in two minutes. I was on my knees, on the floor, praying. I was screaming. God, don’t take her from me! I need her. Her son needs her. God, please, I swear. I’ll be the kindest person from now on. Just give her the strength to stay. Nothing could make you stay. You had made up your mind. You were leaving.
I want you to know that I’m not angry with you. I never was. I miss you more than anything. I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone so much. I hope you don’t miss me though. I don’t want you to miss me, or your mom, or your son. I don’t want you to feel pain. You tried so hard to escape it.
Remember how we talked about ghosts and spirits? How we can both see them? I hope I can see you someday. Don’t be afraid to visit me. I’d love to see you. And your little boy, he’s gifted too. You know that, right? Yeah, you do; you’re the one that told me. Let him see you someday. Explain to him why you had to leave because I don’t have the strength. You’re gone and still protecting me, being the strong one.
Lastly, know this: I love you. More than you ever knew. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I ache for you. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I miss you. Don’t forget how much I love you. Enjoy heaven. I hear it’s beautiful. Talk soon? Sounds good. Bye.
Writing about you in the past tense is so hard. Is it even possible that I was talking to you yesterday? If one day is this much agony, how can I live without you? I remember begging you. No, please, no. We can fix it. I’m here. Those words. Those damn cliché words failed me… failed you. When you said you were sorry, but you were done, I was sitting there with tears running down my face. I told you I loved you, but we both knew that wasn’t enough. I hadn’t gotten to you early enough. I was too late.
The next hour was the most agonizing game of phone tag. Panic set in after even two minutes without a text or a call. A lot can happen in two minutes. I was on my knees, on the floor, praying. I was screaming. God, don’t take her from me! I need her. Her son needs her. God, please, I swear. I’ll be the kindest person from now on. Just give her the strength to stay. Nothing could make you stay. You had made up your mind. You were leaving.
I want you to know that I’m not angry with you. I never was. I miss you more than anything. I didn’t know it was possible to miss someone so much. I hope you don’t miss me though. I don’t want you to miss me, or your mom, or your son. I don’t want you to feel pain. You tried so hard to escape it.
Remember how we talked about ghosts and spirits? How we can both see them? I hope I can see you someday. Don’t be afraid to visit me. I’d love to see you. And your little boy, he’s gifted too. You know that, right? Yeah, you do; you’re the one that told me. Let him see you someday. Explain to him why you had to leave because I don’t have the strength. You’re gone and still protecting me, being the strong one.
Lastly, know this: I love you. More than you ever knew. I miss you with every fiber of my being. I ache for you. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I miss you. Don’t forget how much I love you. Enjoy heaven. I hear it’s beautiful. Talk soon? Sounds good. Bye.
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