- Posted March 9, 2013 by
This iReport is part of an assignment:
The written word: Your personal essays
Exile Me from the Cornfield to the Desert!
Today I am announcing the "Exile Me from the Cornfield to the Desert!" campaign.
That's right I believe it is time that the world band together and kick me out of the Cornfield. Throw me into the harshness of the desert.
Now, not just any desert, but send me to either northwestern Arizona or southern Nevada. Thank you very much.
I prefer, if I am to be exiled to the wasteland, it be in Las Vegas. Anything else would be cruel and unusual punishment and unconstitutional.
Don't you agree?
Oh and by the way, for those compassionate souls who have more money than they need and are trampling on us poor folk, you may also designate a donation to the special "Mark Needs Acupuncture" fund.
Yeah, I know as if I didn't already have enough holes in my head. I have been told there may be hope for me in the able hands of a person with needles to stick in my brain.
I figure with so many scams and requests for money flooding the internet and so many people ready to redistribute the wealth, why should I not cash in on people's gullibility?
Not that the "Exile Me from the Cornfield to the Desert" campaign is a scam, but it does follow through on President Barack Obama's aim to provide affordable health care and to take from the rich to benefit the poor like me.
I promise here and now, until I have determined I have been properly recompensed the money the greedy are keeping from me, I will spend the funds on my lavish lifestyle.
Instead of eating one meal a day, I'll eat three. Instead of drinking one (usually free) Mountain Dew on Saturday nights when I trudge downstairs to Mickey's Bar & Grill for karaoke, I will switch to booze and maybe even buy a round or two for the house.
I promise I will splurge and buy clothes that fit now that I've lost nearly 40 pounds. I assure you I will only replace my wardrobe with designer togs.
Who deserves to take other people's hard earned money and waste it more than me?
Isn't that exactly what the President has been talking about?
Let's face it. Wouldn't it be better to have me banished to the desert to write my drivel where it is much easier for me to breathe than to have me struggling to breathe while I do my very opinionated and self-serving videos?
I can hear it now. Why don't you do like Jesus and go to the desert on your own?
Jesus only had to walk down the mountain and was in the desert. Being the Son of God, He didn't have to worry about gasoline, having a car, buying medicine, having enough change in His pocket to play a little video poker or pay rent.
This is a new age and technology has made it a necessity I launch this campaign to take from the rich to benefit me. I am poor. I didn't build it, but I deserve to have it.
Plus, it is a medical necessity. Why should I be tortured with high humidity when there is lower air pressure on the other side of the nation?
President Dwight D. Eisenhower had the foresight to construct the interstate highway system for people just like me who are tired of Midwest winters and long for the oasis of Vegas.
It is the patriotic thing to do in exiling me from the Cornfield. It is the patriotic thing to part with your money to move me across the country to spend my final years in the casinos.
Eisenhower created the road to Nirvana, but forgot to get Congress to provide the funding for my relocation. So shortsighted of him!
So my fellow internet citizens, I implore you today to become part of a campaign that will benefit me and make you feel better getting rid of that filthy lucre you have been hoarding. Join the "Exile Me from the Cornfield to the Desert" campaign and make my world a better place.
No credit cards, please. Cash only. Remember your donation is not tax deductible, but it's not your money. It's the government's. Shield your funds today with the safe haven of the Exile Me fund!
I should point out if you have $10 or more left over each week from your paycheck, you are rich. You have more than you need or should have. That $10 rightfully should be sent to the Exile Me fund.
As the media keeps pointing out, too many of you rich folk are hoarding money and creating a disparity gap with poor little me.
From the Cornfield, can you think of a better person to squander your money?
You really don't think you deserve the fruits of your labor do you?
Remember, Mark needs acupuncture too...so give generously!
Redistribute wealth and let it begin with me...Amen!
I almost forgot! Can anyone recommend a good bank in the Cayman Islands where I can hide...I mean invest all the bleeding hearts' donations of genorosity that will be flooding my mailbox?