- Posted March 22, 2013 by
Cedar Hill, Texas
This iReport is part of an assignment:
The written word: Your personal essays
- Sewage back up and Maintenance doesn't care that its making my family sick.
- School's warning to punish my child for the voice recorder I hid on him proving he was abused by a teacher
- Is this considered abuse and bullying from a teacher upon a 9 year?
- CPS says they only protects children from people not schools
- 9 year old abused and bullied by teacher
The Passion to mother and Embrace Motherhood
As I can remember my childhood, there were many obstacles that contributed to the stunt of my growth as a normal developing child maturing into a productive adult. Life then as a child certainly was not easy, and now as a single mother striving and desiring the best for my children to have better opportunities for advancement in success, life is even harder. As I can recall memories of extreme abuse, neglect, and hardship in my life as a child from the time I hit my mother’s womb to the day of graduating from high school, my struggles in life as a child far out weights the chances I had for improvement, growth, and success into my adulthood. Although I had desires, dreams, potentials, and in some ways plans for my adulthood, the trauma, pains, and struggles hidden in deep secrets from my childhood, crushed and locked away many great chances for my childhood to breathe life into success and achievement. The opportunities for growth, hid in a secret shell closed behind the secrets of my memories because of my innocence driven away into rages of hurts, pains, struggles, and emotional breakdowns. Struggling in my own childhood life, my heart drew passion for all hurting children while I was still a child. While my friends and peers spend time shopping, going to movies, doing all the crazy normal things teenagers did in my days, I would give my time to needed parents by babysitting taking hold to any opportunity to make sure I protect those children from danger and hurts. I became very protective of their feelings, emotions, and life. I learned how to listen to their little stories of hurts, pains, and let downs. I grew more close to understanding my call of ministry into the reason for my pains and sufferings as a child. In the daytime I put on my happy and life given face, but in the night my life was filling with nightmares of tortures from the secrets that begin to tear apart my mental and emotional being. My confidence as a true black little girl with many opportunities for growth in success ran and hid, too ashamed to show the positive feeling of knowing I was beautiful, elegant, and amazing. The more I grew older, the less I felt good about myself, my life. By the time I was a teen, the demons of suicide had already raided my youth. My desire to be loved, mothered, fathered, and noticed grew more and more leaving empty voids in my heart, mind, and soul. Although very painful, it opened the door of passion to the gift of ministry for hurting children all ages. Then I received a new desire and dream at such a very young age: to mother all hurting and unwanted children so I can mother them like no other. Not understanding my desire gift and dream, I began failing more and more in my own life. By the time I was in my last year of high school, I became a sought after babysitter to all who knew me. But little did people know how that gift unfolded. I did not want to see another child hurt and unloved the way I felt and went through as a child. I had the courage enough to attend college and graduated from a business school. By then, my emotional life was already crashing down wrecking every opportunity to advance in life when it did come my way. By 28, my life had broken down and my life to me became worthless. Many did not understand my raging storms that were throwing debris destroying away pieces of my life in every angle: emotional, mentally, spiritually, and physically. But as I grew older, my passion to mother also grew. I wanted to mother unwanted and hurt children. I wanted to make their hurts and pains disappeared so they can grasp a hold to life the way I could not. For years and years I became the “babysitter” everyone wanted and desired. At first it was ok, because I really did not care about me: I just wanted any child who was being abused or have been abused safe, secure, and love so they can develop healthy life potentials and successes. As my life was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually slipping away, my heart’s desire for motherhood kept growing into a passion to love and nourish unwanted and unloved children. It was very strange for me not caring if God gave children to me I did not birth. My home became to home for parents day/night out, a safety net for mothers who either was not ready for motherhood or did not want or care about being a mother and childcare for those parents who could not afford childcare. But many times these parents came back for their children. I wanted and desired children myself. In 2004 my passion dream of motherhood came to pass, when my brother and the mother of his children decided they could no longer care for their 2 children (my niece and nephew) because of their deteriorating mental illness. I was one of the happiest new moms around: not because I had just given birth but because God gave me children who were then 14 months and 3 years old. I jumped for joy and was so happy to see a long time dream come true. I love being a mother: but we all know motherhood (the hardest job and responsibility on earth) comes with many challenges. Now as I struggle in my own motherhood, my passion for motherhood still stands very strong which tells me this is a gift from God. My babies came with developmental challenges, and to see how society judge and discriminate against these delays in life, strikes my heart with needle spikes. To be a single mother with a great dream of passion and desire to see my children excel high above the prediction of what society predict they would be as an adult, fills my heart with tears of joy. Life has never been as hard as it is now because of the many obstacles I see my children facing. My desire dream and passion for them is for them be given the same opportunities for advancement without discrimination society throws upon them because they are different. I want to see my children have doors of opportunities open for them so their potentials, gifts, and talents can advance the same way as those children who are born with silver spoons in their months. I see the potentials in my children. One has the potential to be a known sports player, as well as a lawyer, judge, and even the president of the United States someday: one has the potentials, gift, and talents to be an Olympian swimmer, writer, and singer: one has the potential to be an top inventor and much more once he mature fully into his potentials: the other one has the potentials to fill our lives with movies, comedies, and other opportunity for growth in the movie and entertainment world. I’m sure they have other hidden gifts and potentials as well: they are all still very young. Most important of all they all have the gift of being great Christan leaders for the Kindom of God. With little support and opportunities for advancement, my hope for my children reaching their desire dreams to their full potentials in society grows slim daily as the doors of opportunities closed leaving doors open only for those who are known as VIP’s to society. As I compare my childhood to my children, opportunities are plenty now, yet limited and hidden, whereas for me they were not offer and given. Each day as we struggle with mother/parenthood to do whatever it takes to see our children’s lives grow and excel, society are throwing obstacles to prevent our children from advancing into achievement and success as productive men and women of our society for tomorrow. They can and will succeed with or without our nation our society, because I know God throws no limitations but gives us all life. I am destine with a passion to see all my children whom God has given me, reach their full potential and destiny as God ordained and destine for them.